February 17, 2005

Below the Belt

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These past few weeks have been an excruciating, “Mischa Barton, will you please stop kicking me in the nuts?” experience. Blue balls sure is a bitch, ain’t she? Indeed, its been an agonizing three episodes of ditching school, prancing around town, waking up early to throw back Captain Jack with a fervor that would put Billy Joel to shame and offering heartfelt vignettes about how their parents, like, sooo totally don’t understand them. But finally, after some poignant dialogue about “the tides changing,” Marissa and Alex have finally closed their eyes, leaned in, tilted their heads and went for the big one. Marissa and Alex so totally made out! On Valentine’s Day! And during Sweeps month! What are the odds?

In 1998’s Cruel Intentions, we all gazed with astonishment as Sarah Michelle Gellar instructed Selma Blair with “put your tongue in my mouth and massage my tongue with your tongue,” and then proceeded to show by example. We all shifted anxiously as Madonna and Britney Spears took time out of their busy schedules and made out on the national TV in what was a glorious unification of our nation’s overly-sexed virgin and overly-sexed sex pot.

And now, Mischa Barton and her bar-tending, tattooed, purple-haired gal-pal have finally partaken in the tongue tornado. To be quite honest, I’ve felt more passion in the heartfelt advice Mr. Feeney delivered to Corey and the gang than I felt between the two borderline alcoholic love birds. But what about the rest of us? Not since the Civil War or the epic battle between Clay Aiken and Rueben Studdard has our nation been so divided. Thanks to the good people at www.ocfiles.com, we are able to quantify this rift; 56% of you think that Marissa and Alex hooking up is totally HOT, while 43% of you think it is totally NOT.

Furthermore, participatory democracy has reached a new level of inclusiveness, as O.C. message boards allow the American people to articulate their opinions on such a contentious matter — and by “the American people,” I mean “the semi-literate 13-year-old girls of America.” Through such message boards, such individuals as “Seth & Ryan Rox my Sox” are able to let their voices be heard, illuminating such serious concerns with Marissa’s adventure as “well im a chick … n im not into chicks … so im not a lezo … n I don’t find it hot … and did I mention this is kind of creepy … lol but it had to be done! U cant have a show without sum1 turning gay … obvious to me it HAD to be Marissa coz shes the “screwed” up character (I tryd to put it as nice as possible!) no surprise aswell that its alex whos a lezbo too! Shes rough!” Well, if there is one thing we should learn here, it is that lesbians are very rough, and we must be careful! If you ever find yourself in a dark alley with Tracy Chapman, you must proceed with caution!

On the other hand, we have AlexisOC on the side of the defense, explaining “I’m a girl, I’m not into chicks, I’m not a lesbian, but I still think its SoOoOoOoOo HoT!!! Lol!” Who can possibly argue with such sound reasoning? Alexis, I’m sold.

Archived article by Talia Ron
Sun Staff Writer