February 23, 2005

The A.B.C. Guide to Style

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The Shit Bitch Bear Every single day I must pass at least a handful of girls that make me go, “Shit, bitch! You is FINE!” (Just ask my friends; I fall in love each day without failure.) Until now, I have never been able to express that (at least in the “you’re so cute, cuddly, and romantic” kind of way). For some odd reason, there is a stigma associated with the phrase. Well guess what, bitches, it’s giving time. Armed with an adorable face and a satin heart that says it all, The Shit Bitch Bear is the “keeper gift” of Valentine’s Day 2005. Forget that — more like Year 2005 (hands down). Any guy can “cold call” you at a bar and tell you that you’re attractive. Any guy, for that matter, can write you a note. But a man who gives you a delectable trinket to display to all that you, indeed, are fine? –yeah, that’s a man to hold on to tightly. If you didn’t get one of these bears this year, your man either doesn’t sweat you, isn’t cool enough to buy you one with pride, or doesn’t understand R.O.I. (“Return On Investment”– see graph). Citizens of Humanity Jeans

How do I know that men run the corporate world of fashion? Because one of them developed the greatest thing to happen to denim since “washes.” Clearly there was a man out there (definitely straight) who realized that “tailoring” and “jeans” should be paired like fine wine and aged cheese. Have you seen the way a pair of these pants can sculpt an average woman’s behind into the most buttery contraption on earth? Have you finally figured out why women will spend four to five times what the average man will spend on booze in a night for a single item of clothing? Have you realized that it is now acceptable for men AND women to stare at a random girl’s ass as long as the statement, “I was looking to see what brand of jeans those were…” is used? Wake up, Neanderthal. A higher power somewhere loves you and I have no idea why.

A Bathing Ape — Bapesta Sneakers In case you’ve been sleeping, the biggest thing to hit Japan since atom bombs is fashion celeb, Nigo, of the highly sought after line known as A Bathing Ape. (If you’ve seen the new Snoop music video with Pharrell, he’s the tiny Asian guy with the shark hoody on–not some extra the director pulled from craft services.) From his wild choice of bold, candy colors to the slightly “animated,” oversized fit of his clothes and apparel, Nigo has brought the fun back to hip-hop. Forget the tough-talking’ velour suits and the white t-shirts that drop down to your ankles. Nothing provides more excitement, inspiration, and glances of “what-the-hell-are-those-kicks?” looks from young urban dwellers than a pair of Bapesta sneakers. Nigo recently opened his first U.S. store in SoHo, but good luck finding a pair. They’ve been sold out for months. If you don’t have a hipster Harajuku neighborhood friend, try giving a ring to graffiti artist Futura 2000, hip-hop legend James Lavelle, rap legend Mike D. of the Beastie Boys, production guru squad The Neptunes, or everyone’s favorite Puerto Rican Fat Joe who all make A Bathing Ape their shoe of choice.

Archived article by Ari B. Cantor
Sun Staff Writer