March 3, 2005

Below the Belt

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Look guys, I really have no idea whether he did it or not. For reasons I have yet to fully comprehend, my parents never quite felt comfortable sending their adolescent daughter across the country to drive bumper cars and engage in all-night pillow fights with a man who named not one, but two, of his children, “Prince Michael Jackson.” So, I guess I’ll never really know how the King of Pop keeps the children occupied after they grow tired of riding on the Sea Dragon and eating Jell-O Pudding Pops. Of course, I really have no idea whether Jell-O Pudding Pops are eaten or even if they are still being produced.

So, to recapitulate, there are several essential details about the Jackson case that I remain unsure about (namely, whether or not he actually molested young children). But there is one thing I am quite certain of: MJ’s fans have got to go home. Immediately. And I don’t mean they must go home so they can chat with their buddies on Michael Jackson fan sites.

Unfortunately, it’s not just them I’m concerned about. It’s all of you. All of you who stand outside the courthouse chanting “Brr, It’s Cold Out Here (Clap 2X)! There must be a liar in the atmosphere,” every time the prosecution team walks by. I am concerned about the thousands of you who have attended candle light vigils in Jacko’s honor. And, most notably, I am concerned about the young revolutionary who came prepared to protest carrying a sign that boldly proclaimed “France Supports and Loves MJ.” Umm, are you sure you feel comfortable with such a claim? France has largely rejected every American export (McDonald’s, imperialism, Old Spice), yet they offer love and support for Michael Jackson?

However, above all I’m concerned about the Michael Jackson impersonators. Of course, I’m concerned about the possible ramifications of a conviction, and what it would do to the careers of this dedicated legion of look-alikes. These people have it hard enough, given the constant demands associated with replicating a man whose nose is falling off faster than Pee Wee Herman’s pants at a midnight screening of 21 Hump Street. Adding to such pressures, the realization that their careers may be in jeopardy, well, that’s more than any man can handle.

But my biggest concern is as follows: why on earth was there such a market for Michael Jackson impersonators in the first place? According to Ron Bartels, owner of the Massachusetts based Look-alike USA, “I’ve had some corporate parties where they had booked Michael Jackson performers and then they backed out.” Corporate parties? Really? How did this happen?

“Well team, our third quarter report shows record breaking net sales while our investment grade credit rating has been achieved. To congratulate you all, we’ve opted to hire a middle-aged man with a wig and a glove. I think he once dangled a baby off a balcony, but, hey, he was really big in the eighties.”

But, hey, who am I to judge what employers consider appropriate for employee entertainment? All I know is that I really want a Jell-O Pudding Pop.

Archived article by Talia Ron
Sun Staff Writer