March 7, 2005

Cornell Daily Sun Elects New Editors

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The 123rd editoral board will be filled with nights of Shortstop Deli, crappy coffee and no sex. Half of us just realized that we don’t get paid for another year and would make more money recycling. Now that we think about it, The Sun sucks and will be turned into a brothel or a McDonalds.

Until then, here is the new leadership which will drive this revolution:

Don’t be fooled by our new editor-in-chief, Erica Temel ’06. Sure, she might seem like some sweet, sensitive girl who bakes cookies, plays with dolls and writes letters inquiring about writing for the Sun (all of which she still does). But she’s a terror, a truly horrible person. She threatened that if she didn’t win the election, she’d eat our babies. You remember Attila the Hun? Genghis Khan? George W. Bush? Well tyrants, here comes Erica Temel. Prepare to DIE.

If Temel is Donald Trump with worse hair, then our business manager Jean-Paul LaClair ’06 is that grumpy woman that sits next to The Donald in the boardroom. People wonder how the Sun became free. Well, LaClair was the mastermind, setting up The Sun’s secret, lucrative distribution of child pornography. Jean-Paul is a millionaire, and also runs an escort service. He’s free on Tuesdays and Thursdays and he’s easy. Very easy.

A member of Jean-Paul’s escort service, managing editor Eric Finkelstein ’06 likes running nude on the beach, wet T-shirt contests and gardening his tulips. As an escort, Finkelstein once abided by a customer’s sexual desires by dressing up as a naked Mr. Met. The customer — former sports editor Owen Bochner ’05.

Our associate editor Zach Jones ’06 was deemed too fat and unattractive to be an escort, and thus is The Sun’s resident “ugly person.” That is why he is shunned into the corner office of the Sun, where there is no light. He tried to upload a photo of himself on facebook, but his computer blew up and died. He has used a typewriter ever since.

Meagan Smith ’07 is our new advertising manager and idolizes Captain Planet. In her free time, she dyes her hair green, wears colorful spandex and drunkenly screams out, “the power is yours!” Hailing from Los Angeles, she is often seen trying to use her body to cover smoke stacks and toxic sewage pipes. This explains those third degree burns.

The new sports editor, Chris Mascaro ’06, is the 123rd’s man whore. Mascaro has his sights currently on James Rich’s ’05 girlfriend, or any other thing that moves with two X chromosomes. Ladies, beware. Mascaro is the sketchy guy in the dark corner of the bar giving you the eye. He’s a love machine.

Amy Green ’06, our design editor, is also on EMS because she really likes giving mouth to mouth. Once, a goldfish was not moving and Green thought it was in cardiac arrest, so she performed CPR. The fish died from being out of the water too long, and Green has been working her magic on people ever since.

Matthew Lee ’06 is our returning web editor and eats monkey brains for breakfast. He’s part of a Hong Kong triad which preaches the superior nature of the Chinese race. Lee’s training to be the next Adolf Hitler of Asia, plotting to exterminate white trash. His license plate is, “Asian Dominasian.”

Wanting to boost her social life and actually have friends, Ali Pivoda ’06, our photo editor, named her car Toyota, her sofa Ikea, her shampoo Poo, and her water filter Brita. She also gave names to her pillow, left shoe and her underwear. We would tell you what her underwears’ names were, but they are too dirty for this sophisticated publication.

Tracy Zhang ’07, the arts and entertainment editor, is using The Sun as a springboard to tryout for American Idol. She’s one of those people where all her friends and family tell her that she’s good at singing, but she sounds like a farting grandpa. Zhang, get a new life. You suck.

For the first time ever, we have a city editor, and his name is Yuval Shavit ’06. A classics major, Yuval gets turned on by pictures of Athena. He’d eat couscous off Plato’s hairy chest. Plus, he is perfect for the job — after all, he was the Collegetown Creeper.

Andrew Beckwith ’07 is also a news editor, and loves strolling in the park, mugging old ladies and stealing candy from little children. Beckwith carries a switchblade in his right sock and uses his finger covered by a coat as a gun. He is still brusing from that one time when an old lady whacked him in the crouch with a cane.

One of our news editors, Erica Fink ’07 is actually the bastard child of Eric Finkelstein. Finkelstein is incredibly uncreative, corny and egocentric, thus he made this deficient child’s name a form of his. Fink’s only endearing quality is that her last name rhymes with “stink,” thus making her the butt of many bad jokes. We love her, but this mentally scarred girl hates all of us.

Typical to the southern stereotypes, Michael Morisy ’07 — a news editor — owns a shotgun, wears plaid and adorns a straw hat. He also has three teeth, listens to Tim McGraw, drinks whisky from a cruddy flask, goes squirrel hunting and still thinks the Confederates won the Civil War. He was elected through affirmative action considerations

Jill Shemin ’05, an assistant design editor, loves standing at the ocean with the wind at her face and once tried out to be on Baywatch. Things got ugly when she got into a catfight with Pamela Anderson over who got to touch David Hasselhoff’s tushie. In the heat of the battle, Shemin severely scratched Anderson’s left breast, thus inducing even more plastic surgery.

Our other assistant design editor, Jennifer Rice ’06, has already planned her wedding with Ryan Cabrera. She wants a pretty ceremony, but is currently facing a 100-mile restraining order placed against her. Rice also stalks Justin Timberlake and is usually attracted to guys who have more feminine voices than her.

Olivia Dwyer ’07 is the raving brat assistant sports editor. Her ideal guy is someone who gets down and sucks her toes while she weeps to bad John Cusack movies. She uses chains as bracelets, possesses a leather whip in her closet, and rountinely handcuffs all of her victims to her bed, she calls, “the cage.”

Bryan Pepper ’07 is the second of this incompetent triumvirate. Pepper trained to be an assistant by working on his Rocky accent and carrying timber on his shoulders across the bitter tundra known as the Arts Quad. Half of America’s vegetable oil supply comes from the draining of Pepper’s hair and this produce will be used as a recovery resource for tsunami victims.

The last assistant sports editor, Brian Tsao ’06, wants to reject the notion that he is a closet alcoholic. Or that he is easy. He is neither. He is an open alcoholic who is very very easy. His digits are 607-592-0126 and he’s available to give you Singaporean love whenever you desire. Three dollars baby, and he’ll definitely love you long time.

Logan Bromer ’06, the associate arts and entertainment editor, is really Temel’s hitwoman. Her trademark move is beating the crap out of people and strangulation using a telephone cord. She leaves a rose on each of victims, with the note, “screw you.” When she’s not killing people, Bromer likes listening to Enya and Britney Spears in her spare time.

Natalie Georges ’07 is our new marketing director, and has the mentality of a four-year-old. Her vocabulary comes from Disney movies and does not realize that there is no such thing as magic carpets, mermaids or talking lions. Georges’ ultimate man looks shockingly like Simba.

Eric Bernbaum ’08 is the final person in this motley crew as the assistant advertising manager, and is planning to learn how to knit Cornell Daily Sun sweatshirts over the next year. He’s one of those who likes hot pink, but calls the color “salmon” because he is too insecure with himself. We look forward to our hot pink sweatshirts.

Archived article by Sun Staff