March 10, 2005

Below the Belt

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“Yo, Kirstie Alley is really fat”

“What are you talking about dude? She’s not fat. I saw her in Look Who’s Talking, not to mention Look Who’s Talking Too and, lest we forget, Look Who’s Talking Now. She’s not fat at all. She’s totally hot.”

“Dude, I know she was totally hot. But now she’s gotten really fat.”

“Are you sure about this? You make this kind of shit up all the time. Remember when you told me that Zack Morris died in a car crash? That was totally not true at all.”

“Okay, so Zack Morris didn’t really die in a car accident. But I heard it from like, eleven different people. It just didn’t seem very likely that they were all making it up. And besides, I really don’t think this is the point right now. The point is that Kirstie Alley is really fat.”

“Let me get this straight. It seems like what you’re trying to tell me is that Kirstie Alley did not used to be overweight, but now is overweight.”

“Yes! That’s exactly what I’ve been trying to tell you!”

“Well, I must say, this whole concept of a woman gaining weight is pretty hilarious, and would make an excellent premise for a TV show.”

“Wait, are you thinking of a show which would address the concerns of an aging actress as Kirstie Alley struggles with such issues as love, work and attempting to live down the legacy she created in those wretched Pier 1 commercials, all the while staggering back and forth from one unpredictable and implausible crisis to another, which Ms. Alley will inevitably handle with her patented blend of neuroses and wit?”

“No, actually I was thinking that the show should only address the fact that Kirstie Alley is a whole lot fatter than she was on Cheers, and not really deal with anything else.”

“Awesome, because that’s exactly what I was thinking too.”

And with such stellar logic in mind, Kirstie Alley’s new Showtime vehicle Fat Actress was born, which is partially scripted, partially improvised and wholeheartedly the most offensive thing I have ever witnessed on a television screen since The Fresh Prince of Bel Air opted to switch mothers midway through the series and assumed no one would really notice.

As the title may imply, Fat Actress attempts to chronicle a day in the life of an actress who is fat, as she intermittently cries about being fat, eats double cheeseburgers, picks bits of the aforementioned double cheeseburger out of her cleavage and when this all grows tiresome, cries about being fat once again.

Her day begins when she wakes up, immediately recalls that she has put on weight and starts wailing so loudly that a concerned neighbor (played by John Travolta, whose head, incidentally, is roughly the size of Kirstie Alley’s torso) calls the cops.

However, our dear Kirstie won’t let herself dwell just on the negatives! She needs to take her life into her own hands! Goddamn it, she needs to get laid! Oh wait, here comes all that negativity again! Kirstie “doesn’t want to have fat sex,” because, as she clears up “fat sex is ass.” Unfortunately, Kirstie is so consumed with her own heftiness that she forgets it is probably unwise to be flagrantly racist on national television. Our Kirstie’s quest for some action takes her to a soul food restaurant — you know, because all black men like larger ladies, where she feels free to announce, “I am in brother heaven!”

Thankfully, in the end, hard work does indeed pay off. Kirstie does, in fact, find someone willing to bone her, in the form of Mr. Cooper of Hangin’ with Mr. Cooper fame. But, lest we forget for a second that Kirstie Alley is fat, her epic “bangin’ Mr. Cooper” session takes place in front of an open refrigerator, where the happy couple are free to eat popsicles (Get it? Phallic imagery! No seriously, get it?), and bark like dogs while they feed each other roast beef. Okay, so that part I’m not quite sure I get. But I have a sneaking suspicion it has something to do with Kirstie Alley being fat.

Archived article by Talia Ron
Sun Staff Writer