March 29, 2005

Sex, Sharks and Stolen Sitcoms

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We’ve all heard the praises and recommendations that every student should experience a Cornell summer. But what about the benefits of a Cornell Spring Break? You may prefer to travel to warmer climates, but you’re better off staying put. In reality, Spring Break is probably an insidious ploy by the pharmaceutical industry to cultivate a breeding ground for various diseases and infections. How else could they afford to have all those Valtrex commercials on TV? With a picture of Brooke Burke in one hand and a beer in the other, here are the highlights of my own version of Wild On: Ithaca, spent in front of the TV.

Thursday – Friday
The festivities started early this year with the first tip-off of the NCAA Men’s Basketball tournament. Watching Syracuse go down to Vermont in overtime was, to be honest, satisfying. It pleases me to know that orange, making up 75% of a Central New Yorker’s wardrobe, is now a shameful color to wear on the streets of Syracuse.

As for the anti-gambling commercials shown during the opening round games, I couldn’t help but scoff at them. Gambling and sports go together like “peas and carrots.” If I wanted to watch a bunch of men sweat and pound into each other without any money involved, I would … well, you get the idea.

Saturday — 2:49pm
In the 171 hours of last year’s MTV’s Spring Break, the Parents’ Television Council found “1,548 sexual scenes containing 3,056 depictions of sex or various forms of nudity and 2,881 verbal sexual references.” For men everywhere too cheap to fork over the ten bucks for a Girls Gone Wild tape, this was an acceptable substitute. Although MTV’s Spring Break was cut down to just three days of programming, MTV still managed to pack just as much T&A as before. I cleared my schedule for the rest of the day.

Sunday — 9:01pm
Who needs the FCC to censor television when you can scare young teenagers straight? At least, that’s what CBS seemed to be attempting when they aired Spring Break Shark Attack. Although the movie wasn’t overtly religious, one can suspect that the “plague” of sharks was a godly means of punishing naughty girls and boys gone wild. Thou shalt not lie to your parents about going to Habitat for Humanity, thou shalt not drink roofies, thou shalt not ignore your marine biologist brother’s warnings and thou shalt not end up in a sleazy love triangle. I suppose the many Valtrex commercials drove the point home.

Wednesday — 8:03pm
It took several seasons of American Idol, but it finally happened. Ryan Seacrest punk’d America. Due to a graphics error during Tuesday night’s show, voters were shown incorrect numbers to call. To fix their screw-up, FOX extended Wednesday’s episode to replay each of the performances. As expected, tone deaf Mikalah was given the boot.

Conspiracy theorists say that this was a scheme to boost FOX’s ratings and earn more advertising dollars for the week. In my opinion, that’s giving Rupert Murdoch too much credence. However, watching Seacrest kowtow to America made the hour worth watching.

Thursday — 9:30pm
After last year’s debacle with Coupling, who would have thought that NBC would try again with another UK comedy? This time, they set their sights on The Office, a documentary style comedy about dreary office life. For those of you who aren’t familiar with the series, you’ll find the American version enjoyable to watch, as long as the producers don’t stray too far from the original. But for those who have already been privileged with the UK version, all we can say is “Nice try.”

Archived article by Ed “Chong” Kim
Sun Staff Writer