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Remember when we knew who our friends were because they were our friends? How primitive! Thank the lord for technological innovation. Nowadays, for those of you who are not in the know (i.e. those of you who do not happen to be alive), friendship no longer counts as friendship unless it is confirmed on the Internet, or specifically documented on the Facebook. Of course, friendship documentation is nothing new. It was invented sometime around 1987 at a Southern California high school known as Bayside High. While the school may have been small in size (approximately four students and a mere 15 teachers), the school was grand in scope. Friendship was originally conceived as a business plan called “Buddy Bands,” in which individuals could show the importance of friendship by bestowing upon their friends a piece of brightly colored cloth. But then the Internet came along and the concept of the Buddy Band was created in a digital format. But of course, friendship documentation was not enough. Human beings also have an innate need to identify with groups, a need which the Facebook has capitalized on by permitting students to from virtual groups. I’m from Pennsylvania, I do what I want Look guys, I’m from Pennsylvania too. And there are times when I do what I want. If I want to leave the bars early to watch eight consecutive episodes of Super Sloppy Double Dare, you better believe I will. But does my home state somehow entitle me to bypass civil, common and natural law whenever the mood hits me? Oh my god, no. Let’s pretend that I’m driving through the Keystone state and, while filling up my gas tank I decide I want to purchase a six-pack of Keystones. Guess what? I would probably have an easier time buying beer in Afghanistan than in Pennsylvania, a state that prohibits the sale of beer in gas stations, grocery stores and on any made-in-America holiday created for the sole purpose of honoring our founding fathers while getting drunk and eating barbecued chicken. I went to a Public School … Bitch Apparently, a whopping 2,480 Cornell students went to high schools that had more gang activity than inner-city L.A. Is this really true? Are you guys sure about this? And no, the debate team, while they may travel in packs and exist for the sole purpose of instigating fights with rival debate teams, does not quite constitute a gang. Look, I went to a public school too and it definitely wasn’t great. We definitely had our fair share of drug busts and cafeteria brawls. We probably had more overdue library books than inner-city L.A., but I’m fairly certain that they had more gangs. Alcoholics Anonymous Ever find yourself wondering why the renowned support group is called Alcoholics Anonymous? Well, allow me to explain! It was given this name because Alcoholics Anonymous is — get this –anonymous! Signing up for a group called Alcoholics Anonymous on the Facebook, where you are free to publicize your address, cell phone number, screen name and your interest in random play sort of defeats the whole point, don’t you think? Between “Heavy Boozers,” “Drunkety Drunk Drunk Drunk Drunk” and “Clearly Housed when Facebook Picture was taken,” there are plenty of opportunities to announce your fondness for the bottle to the entire Facebook community. Perhaps you should choose a group that makes a bit more sense. The City of Ithaca is my Reason for Drinking Yeah, we’ve heard it all before. Ithaca is cold. Ithaca has a lot of hills. And, worst of all, Collegetown has no Mexican restaurants. Does this imply that if you were in a warm, flat locale with ample opportunities to find a burrito like … say Cancun, you wouldn’t be drinking? Think about that one and get back to me.Archived article by Talia RonSun Staff Writer
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Known for scoring the songs to a shitload of commercials and his diverse range in the world of ambient techno, Moby had his place in the sun a short six years ago with Play. The album had some serious things going for it: it sampled slave songs from over a century before it, pushed techno in a new, easily approachable direction and gave a natural buzz to listeners that they’d never quite heard before. Three years later came 18, an inferior album showing the vegetarian bad boy pulling some unappreciated tangents, but one that still featured moments of greatness. Now he’s back with Hotel, fresh off a three-year hiatus. He should’ve taken a longer vacation. When you think of a double-disc, you think of the Pumpkin’s Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness, Outkast’s Speakerboxxx/The Love Below, The Clash’s London Calling re-release, Pink Floyd’s The Wall, Dylan’s Blonde on Blonde … etc. All of these are classics that couldn’t be captured on one disc are enhanced by their expanded play time. Moby’s 27-song effort is a two-hour artistic meltdown. Known for being a pioneer of remixing bold music from the past, the furthest he stretches back is the ’80s new wave movement. I love new wave. But who needs to hear a remix of New Order’s “Temptation?” The band’s a remix of Joy Division in and of itself. “Dream About Me” and “Live Forever” are the two songs that show promise as this softer album, and carry a bit of appreciated undertone. Another thing I found interesting was Moby singing on all, if not most of the songs. The best thing about this album was Laura Dawn, who contributed her voice to a slew of songs. And, while I came away from this listen unsatisfied. Hearing Moby’s voice more than occasionally gave it an indexical quality that improves a lot of his ambient sound, helping it rise above future elevator music. In anything artistic whether its writing, film, or music — the biggest question is does it run on too long — can you take stuff out and make it tighter? This album could’ve been compressed into a single album if not a six-song EP. To those lovers of Moby out there, if I sound overly harsh, I apologize. But seeing an artist as creative and original as Moby giving us two hours of absolutely nothing … the weather is bad enough. But Moby, if you’re reading this as so many successful recording artists do, don’t worry. The worst techno album of the last five years still belongs to Prodigy. You are in the clear. I haven’t given up hope for you, my harmless bald friend. Go back to your roots, the ones that stem longer than two decades ago. If you’re going to sample something recent, go with the ’90s. There already is an entire ’80s rock revival with bands that have two things you don’t have — the ability to still rock and ridiculously long hair.Archived article by Dan CohenSun Staff Writer