March 30, 2005

What They Don't Tell You … But I Will

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BET Uncut

Leave it to BET, the greatest network in the nation, to capitalize on a market barely served by most cable operators: the “goes-to-sleep-regularly-after-3:00AM-and-enjoys-drinking-beer-while-watching-tv-and-doing-absolutely-nothing” group. Thus, Robert Johnson’s station developed BET Uncut, a showcase of every horribly explicit rap video BET couldn’t legally show during daytime hours. (SNL is for sauced-up sorority girls — don’t even kid yourself, Tonto.) Think about this for a second: they can’t show you this stuff, but they freakin’ do. Does it honestly get any better? After a hard night of drinking and talking to ill-bred people in bars, there is nothing quite like the joy of watching Ludacris stuff singles in the thongs of topless black strippers … without that “white-oppressive” blurry censor you see on Howard Stern’s Crap-O-Fest on the E! Network. (Besides, if Howard loved you, he’d already have signed a deal with HBO to show you the bare chest of some Hell’s Kitchen hooker with a tracheotomy.)


OK. I’ve fucking had it with this company. Seriously. First, these Jamster retards, using a wad of cash from some group of Depends-wearing angel investors, decided to bombard every cable network anyone two years of age or older may watch with absolutely insipid ads that repeat every five minutes. I mean if someone gave you millions to blow on useless marketing, wouldn’t you just buy a roll of duct tape, paste up some cheesy flyers and pocket the difference? What a bunch of na