March 31, 2005

Below the Belt

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Remember when we knew who our friends were because they were our friends? How primitive! Thank the lord for technological innovation. Nowadays, for those of you who are not in the know (i.e. those of you who do not happen to be alive), friendship no longer counts as friendship unless it is confirmed on the Internet, or specifically documented on the Facebook.

Of course, friendship documentation is nothing new. It was invented sometime around 1987 at a Southern California high school known as Bayside High. While the school may have been small in size (approximately four students and a mere 15 teachers), the school was grand in scope. Friendship was originally conceived as a business plan called “Buddy Bands,” in which individuals could show the importance of friendship by bestowing upon their friends a piece of brightly colored cloth.

But then the Internet came along and the concept of the Buddy Band was created in a digital format. But of course, friendship documentation was not enough. Human beings also have an innate need to identify with groups, a need which the Facebook has capitalized on by permitting students to from virtual groups.

I’m from Pennsylvania, I do what I want
Look guys, I’m from Pennsylvania too. And there are times when I do what I want. If I want to leave the bars early to watch eight consecutive episodes of Super Sloppy Double Dare, you better believe I will. But does my home state somehow entitle me to bypass civil, common and natural law whenever the mood hits me? Oh my god, no. Let’s pretend that I’m driving through the Keystone state and, while filling up my gas tank I decide I want to purchase a six-pack of Keystones. Guess what? I would probably have an easier time buying beer in Afghanistan than in Pennsylvania, a state that prohibits the sale of beer in gas stations, grocery stores and on any made-in-America holiday created for the sole purpose of honoring our founding fathers while getting drunk and eating barbecued chicken.

I went to a Public School … Bitch
Apparently, a whopping 2,480 Cornell students went to high schools that had more gang activity than inner-city L.A. Is this really true? Are you guys sure about this? And no, the debate team, while they may travel in packs and exist for the sole purpose of instigating fights with rival debate teams, does not quite constitute a gang. Look, I went to a public school too and it definitely wasn’t great. We definitely had our fair share of drug busts and cafeteria brawls. We probably had more overdue library books than inner-city L.A., but I’m fairly certain that they had more gangs.

Alcoholics Anonymous
Ever find yourself wondering why the renowned support group is called Alcoholics Anonymous? Well, allow me to explain! It was given this name because Alcoholics Anonymous is — get this –anonymous! Signing up for a group called Alcoholics Anonymous on the Facebook, where you are free to publicize your address, cell phone number, screen name and your interest in random play sort of defeats the whole point, don’t you think? Between “Heavy Boozers,” “Drunkety Drunk Drunk Drunk Drunk” and “Clearly Housed when Facebook Picture was taken,” there are plenty of opportunities to announce your fondness for the bottle to the entire Facebook community. Perhaps you should choose a group that makes a bit more sense.

The City of Ithaca is my Reason for Drinking
Yeah, we’ve heard it all before. Ithaca is cold. Ithaca has a lot of hills. And, worst of all, Collegetown has no Mexican restaurants. Does this imply that if you were in a warm, flat locale with ample opportunities to find a burrito like … say Cancun, you wouldn’t be drinking? Think about that one and get back to me.

Archived article by Talia Ron
Sun Staff Writer