April 21, 2005

Below the Belt

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Drugs, man. They say that stuff is pretty wack. You see, they almost had me convinced that one time when they compared my non-drug induced brain to a raw egg, and then proceeded to demonstrate that my drug-induced brain is more like a scrambled egg. Man, they almost had me that time; they really did. But then they made one fatal mistake: they asked me if I had any questions. Like hell I did! If my brain was nothing but an egg to begin with, why should I particularly care about whether or not it is raw or scrambled? And much more importantly, is anyone gonna eat that egg? Cause had I been the “this is your brain on drugs” dude, I totally would’ve eaten it.

Then there was that other time that they showed the two boys smoking weed in one of their parents’ bedroom, when one youth turns to the other and inquires “So, if your parents get divorced, who keeps the fish?” in reference to the large metallic aquatic creature hanging on the wall. The other boy wasn’t quite sure, so he responded by taking the loaded gun sitting on the desk and proceeded to shoot his friend. Yeah, that one almost got me too, but then I remembered that my parents don’t have a decorative fish hanging on their wall, so I figured I should be fine. I’m also pretty sure that they don’t use a loaded gun as a paperweight, but I’ll have to check up on that one.

Of course, there was that one in which the mother anxiously paced back and forth, pregnancy test in hand, while the omniscient narrator informed us that she was “soon to be the youngest grandmother in town.” The demon responsible for this tragic chain of events? Why, marijuana, of course! “It’s more dangerous than you think,” added the all-knowing narrator. Yeah, that one almost had me as well. But then I remembered the last time I smoked marijuana, all I did was finish off an entire roll of Pizzalicious flavored Pringles and watch eight consecutive episodes of “Double Dare,” while debating the merits of winning a brand new Casio Boom Box versus snagging a trip to NASA Space Camp as the grand prize for finding all eight flags on the death-defying obstacle course. I’m certainly not a doctor or anything of the sort, but I’m pretty sure that’s not how you get pregnant. So I figured I’d be okay.

But this time, I think they really might have me convinced. The good folks over at www.freevibe.com have devised a fool proof method to convince kids that drugs are, like, totally lame: anti-drug ring tones. Says the website: “You want the funk? We got the funk! This ringtone will get you in the groove and remind you where to go to get the facts on drugs. And remember, you have the power to stop your friends from using drugs or alcohol. That’s right — your cell phone is a powerful way to help start a conversation with a friend who might be doing drugs.”

First of all, I can’t believe they really have the funk! I’ve been searching for the funk ever since New Kids on the Block promised “we’re gonna put you in a trance with a funky song,” in “Hangin’ Tough,” their definitive anthem on juvenile delinquency because, as we all know, nothing quite screams toughness like rounding up your four homeboys, simultaneously unfastening one overall strap and harmonizing in falsetto about the trials and tribulations associated with hangin’ tough.

But I digress. The point is, I have been searching for the funk for quite some time now, but those syncopated rhythms and heavy, repetitive bass lines have always eluded me, a common occurrence in my varied searches for intangibles. But after all these years, the resolution of all these fruitless searches has finally arrived. The funk has actually been hiding in an anti-drug website, and is currently being used to generate anti-drug ring tones! Furthermore, it comes with the lofty guarantee that it will get me into the groove!

Harboring the secret to both the funk and the groove, while simultaneously reminding all those who surround me that they don’t need drugs to feel good or fit in! Happy 420, losers, but this time, I’m gonna have to pass on that grass.

Archived article by Talia Ron
Sun Staff Writer