Tumi — Organizer Travel Clutch
Fuck all of you haters. The man purse is the hotness. There’s no denying it. It is the staple icon of any (Jewish) man over the age of 50 who matters in this world. But when I refer to the term “man purse,” don’t get it twisted; a man purse only comes in black leather, is the size of a large personal planner, and contains about 20 pockets to place the answers to all of your daily anxieties. If you come across something that is made of fabric, is available in a variety of colors or has designer logos placed all over it, then it is a gay man’s mobile makeup case. (Glad we’ve clarified things.) The Tumi clutch is for gangsters. It has pigeon holes for your favorite Jewish investment banker’s business cards, Montblanc pen, sunglasses, reading glasses (for tiny menus written in retarded tiny typography), cell phone, note cards and a 48 hour supply of his favorite and finest meds (i.e. Cialis, Lipitor, Vitamin B and the other shit that keeps him from choking his kids daily). If your father is important, Semitic, and carries too much crap with him on a daily basis, get him one this Father’s Day. (Trust me, he secretly wants one.)
Hard Tail Pants (Black ONLY)
J.A.P.s (Jewish American Princesses) are conformists. They wear the same clothes, speak in the same tone, and enunciate words identically. Put them all in one room and you have a sorority of salad eaters who hate fake designer duds more than Lil’ Kim stepping over Ethiopians selling bodega handbags on 5th Avenue. But there are a few things I love about J.A.P.s: they don’t hesitate to talk smack on someone, they aren’t afraid to disown a friend in two minutes or less and they don’t have any sort of religious pretenses preventing them from romping you rotten. Shit, that’s why of the many articles of clothing I will not accept (i.e. sweats with the elastic cuffs cut off are NOT an acceptable outfit) Hard Tail pants are tolerable. You’ve got a cute behind? You know how to work it walking to class with your Herve Chapelier bag? You study your ass off for human development classes and aren’t afraid to admit you’ve memorized TakeNote for every course you’ve taken? You’re cool with me as long as you’re wearing a pair of black Hard Tails with some casual kicks. (Don’t even consider wearing grey — no one wants to see the dirt stains on your kneecaps.) However, for those J.A.P.s on the thick side, please don’t ruin it for your cohorts who can pull it off; consider doing some yoga before you rock the related pants. Us Jewish brothers who have had our conditioning conditioned still need a reason to get “hard.”
Bacon Strips Bandages
OK, I come across tons of useless shit on any given day, but this one tops them all. With spring in full bloom, college girls will be cutting their legs up like masochists with Venus razors for pleated skirts they want to wear out, and little boys are going to wreck their elbows pretending they are Tony Hawk on ‘roids. When the bleedin’ starts flowing, why not throw a piece of bacon on that battle scar? — I’m serious, people. Bacon Strips Bandages are designer, die cut bandage strips (fifteen to a tin) from Accoutrements. I mean if you’re going to rock a bandage on exposed skin at least make it funny and cool, because no matter what “flesh matching” bandage brand you choose, your cut is still going to be obvious as hell. (People just don’t point and say, “ha! ha! ha! you’re a retard!” with your current “neutral color” bandage because that would be too enjoyable and require too much effort on their part.) To top it off, each tin comes with a FREE toy. (Are you kidding me? — this puts Cracker Jacks to shame … I can almost see kids cutting themselves on purpose as I type.) Thanks, Accoutrements!
Target Rx Bottle
For some reason, I don’t associate the same store I purchase Charmin Ultra in bulk with allergy prescription refills. However, now that Target has introduced their new capsule canister, I might find reason to switch. The new Rx bottle is simply a thinner, reversed, amber red plastic bottle (think Heinz’s upside down tomato ketchup bottle with less girth). The packaging was created by Klaus Rosburg of SONIC Design in association with Deborah Adler, a 29-year-old graphic designer, who was developing the ClearRx prescription packaging and labeling system for Target. The idea, from what it appears, was to free up space in existing medicine cabinets, provide a better, flat surface to adhere customer Rx labels, and make pill-popping instructions easier to read. A safer bottle and more room for Vicadin in my bathroom? — Bring it on, Target. Bring it on.
Archived article by Ari B. Cantor
Sun Staff Writer