April 28, 2005

Below the Belt

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LeVar Burton. LeVar motherfucking Burton. Always so modest. He shrugged off his supreme awesomeness by qualifying that there is really no value in “taking my word for it.” Huh? Is he serious? Don’t take LeVar Burton’s word for it? He’s LeVar motherfucking Burton! Of course I’m going take his word for it! If, by some off chance, the creator of the universe himself were to descend from the heavens and recommend that I should check out “Rumpelstilskin” or any title from that Magic School Bus series (I figure God would particularly relate to the one where that directionally-challenged bus driver accidentally gets lost in the Solar System), I would probably still have to run it by LeVar Burton for a second opinion. I mean, seriously, the guy is a genius. Think about it. LeVar and company was concerned about children reading less and watching TV more. So what does he do about it? He makes reading cool again … by hosting a TV show. This dude is just so cool. He can fly twice as high as any goddamn butterfly in the goddamn sky. In fact, he can go anywhere. He’s LeVar Burton. And he’s the kind of badass dude who deserves a star on Hollywood Blvd.’s Walk of Fame.

Or how about Bob Barker? Since 1972 — that’s 25 years! — this guy’s life has consisted of the following: hanging out with models, kissing models, winning lawsuits involving sexual harassment of models, explaining the rules of “Plinko” and watching housewives break into epileptic fits at the mere mention of — dare I say it — A NEW CAR!!! Then, after enduring the gut-wrenching suspense of the showcase-showdown, and a brief reminder to get your pets spayed or neutered, the dude gets to go home. That, my friends, is a guy who has earned his star on the Walk of Fame.

And then there’s Pee Wee Herman. Say what you will about his “troubles with the law,” but as far as I’m concerned, wacking off in an adult movie theater is about as illegal as lurking outside of Collegetown Pizza between 1:30 am and 1:55 am and trying to dupe someone into hooking up with you — meaning, it’s not particularly legal, but, hey, that’s how it goes. But legal woes aside, Pee Wee Herman is awesome. The guy’s sole function in life was to freak the fuck out upon hearing the word of the day. When that grew tiresome, he was able to recuperate in the loving embrace of his best friend/talking chair, the aptly named “Chairy.” And then once he was rejuvenated again, he would be faced with the grueling challenge of completing a virtual game of connect the dots, while bearing the extra burden of singing “connect the dots la la la la la.” Then, when he grows tired once again, he returns to Chairy’s loving embrace for some TLC.

And then there is Ryan Seacrest. As of April 20, Ryan Seacrest has become the proud owner of a star on Hollywood Blvd’s Walk of Fame. I don’t get it. Simon Cowell doesn’t get it. “Ill-deserved,” the famously grumpy Cowell replied, dryly. “I cannot believe that April the 20th is going to be Ryan Seacrest Day. I am officially taking this day off my diary.” Even Ryan Seacrest doesn’t get it. “I remember getting up this morning at 3:30 a.m. on my way in to do the morning show, and I thought, ‘One person is going to come today.’ … I thought this would be the most unpopular star dedication ever.” After the ceremony Seacrest told AP Television News, “I actually thought it was a joke when I heard that they were going to do this.”

And I’m sure that anyone who happens to know who Ryan Seacrest is will be in agreement. His contributions to the entertainment world can be boiled down to the following; in the olden days of American Idol (namely, 2002), Ryan Seacrest’s sole function was to rattle off detailed instructions as to how we, the voting public, should call to cast in our vote. Then, the spiky-haired talent show host responded to changes in technology by rattling off detailed instructions as to how we, the voting public, should text message our votes. Add a bottle of bronzer, an eyebrow wax and a couple of “find out after the breaks” to the mix and suddenly, a star is born, staking his claim among the likes of LeVar Burton.

Archived article by Talia Ron
Sun Staff Writer