English clergyman Thomas Fuller (1608-1661) once said, “Fools’ names, like fools’ faces, are often seen in public places.”
Despite the fact that none of our beloved athletes here at Cornell could ever be considered fools, their names are always heard and seen in public places. But really, what is in a name? Well, let’s see…
The men’s lacrosse team doesn’t need a mascot to come to its games, it already has senior Justin “Big” Redd to lead the charge on the field.
Despite her surname, senior Lauren May does most of her damage on the softball field in March and April, as she has compiled a .473 batting average to go along with her 12 homers and 36 RBIs in the first two months of the season.
Don’t tell junior pitcher Rocky Collis, but the only “Adrian” in Cornell athletics is sophomore heavyweight rower (not boxer) Adrian Nino De Rivera. Instead, Rocky will just have to settle on throwing his pitches (not punches) to freshman catcher Adrienne Matta of the softball team. Battery mates, soul mates — same thing.
Speaking of fighters, Collis and every other guy on campus better watch out for junior Mandy Knuckles, who may not sting like a bee, but probably floats like a butterfly on the track.
On the topic of speed, I think the softball team should hold a race to see who is the faster freshman — Samantha “The Tortoise and The” Hare, or Andrea “Run” Forrest, “Run.” For the record, neither one has attempted to steal a base yet this season — something which might be different if junior swimmer Holly “Let’s take a” Chance was giving signals to the baserunners.
Swimming is one thing that you should never, ever do on a full stomach, which might include a lunch complete with a sandwich on freshman outfielder Ry “Bread” Kagan, french fries covered with Kagan’s classmate and teammate, Jimmy Heinz “57,” freshman soccer player Leslie Campbell’s “Soup,” and have all of it washed down with her teammate, senior Natalie “Mountain” Dew.
And if you’re a dog, be sure not to jump in the water with too many of sophomore hockey player’s Byron “Kibbles ‘n” Bitz in your system.
If you are trying to watch your weight, go to freshman wrestler Jordan Leen, but if you feel like taking the opposite approach, you might want to ask freshman women’s hockey player Caeleigh Beerworth for a cold one. But don’t just expect that because she plays hockey, she will give you a Canadian beer — for that, you might want to go to the bar and ask for junior hockey player Matt Moulson, eh.
Beer is always good around the holidays, especially with a nice turkey from freshman fencer Melissa Buterbaugh, and afterwards you could use the help of junior Rachel Spoonhower of the women’s lacrosse team to have some tea.
Whenever it’s the holidays, I love to watch television, especially when there are movies on. One of my favorites is with senior Eric “E.T.” Taylor of the men’s basketball team. He plays a great extraterrestrial — you can barely tell that he’s 6-8 in real life … oh yea, and human. I also enjoy watching sophomore hockey player Dan Glover in Lethal Weapon — he and Mel Gibson really have great on-screen chemistry.
After movies, sometimes I watch MTV and the new rapper T-Unit. I know everyone knows G-Unit, but T-Unit (a.k.a. freshman tennis player Tongle Yu), is much cooler and has a better serve.
I also enjoy programs about dinosaurs, especially when they are about junior football player Kevin “T-“Rex.
But when the holidays are over, I always enjoy coming back to Ithaca — even when Mother Nature and women’s tennis player, freshman Weatherly Schwab (an Ithaca native), are having their way.
Chris Mascaro is the Sun Sports Editor. He May Be Tall has appeared every other Thursday this semester.