I was in elementary school daycare when I was rejected a friendship because I had too much marker on my hands. I wanted to be friends with this kid I deemed cool, but the poopy brown mix of the Crayola Classic 8 marked me out. Today, I imagine I looked super artsy, but then I was just a dirty-handed kid. But to get straight to the marker tip, appearance mattered then in what the stupid kid thought about me, and it still does today. As easily as I could have washed my hands, you too can change your clothes in hopes that you yourself will make friends and not laughter at the sight of your textile adornments. And here today for your viewing pleasure are prime-rib examples of offenses at the New York York State Fair that would be better kept behind a fence – a really high one.
Exhibit A: Upon entering the non-pearly blue gates of “The Great New York State Fair,” one of the first sights I had was of this lovely, lovely woman. I understand that when you’re pleasantly plump, the fashion designers stuck in the age of Twiggy and the non-abundance of clothing in larger sizes make it hard to find clothing that suits your size, but there are still some choices! It’s extremely uncomfortable to the viewer when something that you’re wearing looks uncomfortable. While the shirt might have been on sale, it is better to let it be for someone its own size, than to buy it and set sail with it to public spaces. And to the next issue: please tell me why you think you can show your bra like that? Maybe that’s why the store is called Victoria’s Secret? Um, maybe because you should keep your underwear a secret and not for the whole world to see how hard you had to struggle this morning to clasp it. Now the sweatshirt: the sky is clear, the sun is shining, you could run through a field of sunflowers and feel the warmth through your ill-covered bra, so what’s with the sweatshirt around the waist? Isn’t the natural warmth of being surrounded by thousands of fellow Homo sapiens at the fair enough for you? Either you’re hiding something or are planning on staying there till winter.
Exhibit B: Tip: If you are trying to hide (i.e. blend in with asphalt) wearing a gray camouflage t-shirt dress will not hide you; it will only bring greater attention to yourself – especially since you’re a male in what is essentially a dress. I further ask you: why bother to wear pants?
Exhibit C: Yes, we are all sick of everyone taking advantage of wearing your heart on your sleeve in the form of some slogan across the width of your pectoral muscles. But, here we see another species of the t-shirts-speak-louder-than-words phenomenon. I am not even sure what this refers to. The only thing we can be sure of is if she keeps taking “more than a mouthful,” her fanny pack will be need to be taken out to another notch and her oh-so-nice wearing of a sports bra will need to be put to good use in the gym.
Exhibit D: Aspiring to predict what Fergie will look like in 25 years is not cool. I pity the kids she was with. Her drink is cooler than she is.
Now I do not want to be seen as a mean person, but as an ambassador for all those out there who know what a little thing called a mirror is and want to let others know. I hope that while these people were at the fair they took a chance to not eat fried dough, talk with Tiny Tina the world’s smallest woman, and visit the mirror funhouse to take a good look at themselves. If not, maybe they made friends at the sideshow.
And for those of us here on campus not exposed to the fashion offenses of these fine fair-goers, take the time to look at yourself. Duffield has a nice reflective outside as well as most of the glass storefronts in Collegetown. Trust me even though people inside might be giving you funny looks, it’s better than the looks you could get for something you’re wearing around. I give you fair warning: next time this column runs, you might find yourself among Brenda the Bare-Bra-Wearer or Cameron you-can’t-see-me Camouflage. *Names have been changed.
Archived article by Jen Rice Assistant Design Editor