October 26, 2005

Isn't it Romantic? (No.)

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I don’t get you these days, Hollywood. The “power couple” is an obvious staple of every entertainment era and it brings a chill down my spine when I realize that the frontrunners for this coveted title are currently Ashton “I’m awesome!” Kutcher and Demi Kabbalah-tastic Moore. Usually reserved for the golden boys and girls of Tinsel Town, the term is now being stalled between trucker hats and one who finds the propagator of such headgear into “popular fashion” irresistible to the point of marriage, thus forever condemning herself to a lifetime of ironic Mrs. Moore-Kutcher jokes. But when you consider who else is in the running, “more” Kutcher sounds definitely more appealing than say more Federline or more Cruise for that matter. Whatever happened to romance? Is romance dead in Hollywood?

While the earthquake disaster of the Aniston-Pitt split might have resulted in the most obnoxious name melding trend since Bennifer (Bradgelina?), it was followed by a series of smaller aftershocks like Murray-Bush, Zellweger-Chesney or even Paris-Paris. So what’s left? Let’s take a look: Together For Their Kids
Oh the Federlines. Brought together by life, liberty and the pursuit of trashiness. Having smoked and drank their way through pregnancy and childbirth, the two are finally about to embark on the wonderful journey of taking care of something besides their careers. Considering their dual track record, however, optimism seems a bit of a stretch. Still its amazing that in this day and age of celebrity name abuse, Britney and Kevin named their son Sean Preston (Kal-el Cage, anyone?). The last time I saw Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe together, it was last week on my computer when I decided to ditch studying for math and watch Cruel Intentions. And that was the first in a long time. Their relationship seems like a third party dependent affair negotiated solely through their two kids. The two seem occupied at least, with Reese gaining more exposure in serious acting roles evident in the recent Walk the Line and Ryan gaining more muscle definition evident in the recent UsWeekly.

Together For Their “Kids”
And when I say “kids,” I really mean “careers” because let’s face it; both need nurture, dedication and attention to grow. Sometimes I forget that Jessica and Nick are still progeny-less, but this could just be because the two create enough antics to actually render the whimsical effect that children could have to be obsolete. There may be trouble in Ken-and-Barbie Land, however, as the two are currently denying the reports of their inevitable break-up from some fortress overseas. TomKat pregnant? TomKat engaged in a serious relationship? I’m still on the one about TomKat kissing in public. What’s up with Tom Cruise and up-and-coming yet sexually repressed actresses of the taller-than-him variety. The involuntary club of elegant Nicole and foreign Penelope has recently admitted one more to their exclusive fold: Katie Holmes, the girl next door. Look, I’m sure we’ve heard it all so I’m not going to shamelessly drop phrases like “publicity stunt” or “complete fraud.” I’ll merely leave you with this: every time I read “TomKat,” I think, “Huh? Wombat?”

Together Scoffing at “Those” Kids
Sitting atop their perch in the pantheon of celebrity fame, these are couples that have weathered the Hollywood publicity machine well and still manage to get out occasionally in their matching golf outfits (Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones) or denim-dependent casual wear (Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon) for the charity event every now and then. Sipping champagne and eating non-brown food, they merely chuckle at the rat race of fame in general and the three-legged race of celebrity couple fame in particular. Will Ashton and Demi one day join this elite yet tastefully disaffected group? Only time and one man’s uncontrollable obnoxiousness can tell.

Archived article by Tracy Zhang
Arts and Entertainment Editor