December 2, 2005

Hockey Fans Really Need to Get a Life

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Lynah Faithful – SUCK! Lynah Faithful – SUCK! Let’s go visitors!

That’s what I feel like yelling back at the have-no-life morons in the stands at Lynah Rink when they scream like orangutans in a jungle.

Believe me, my gripe with hockey fans has nothing to do with the men of the hockey team. Those guys put in a ton of work everyday at practice and are focused on winning, not the idiots who throw fish onto the ice before the Harvard game.

But, man, their fans really have no lives.

I know there’s not much to do in Ithaca, but come on. There’s got to be something better to do than chant the opposing goalie’s cell phone number during the game, isn’t there? Was it really necessary for that kid to have like 200 voice messages from out-of-control Cornell hockey fans last year? I don’t think so.

I just don’t understand, why do these dorks that don’t know the difference between a two-line pass and a line change think they have the right to be obnoxious assholes just because they did “their time in the line?”

Normal people don’t chant that other human beings suck and that their mothers and daughters were, well, I can’t actually say it, simply because they don’t wear red jerseys. It’s absurd, and frankly, I’m embarrassed to be even remotely associated with it.

I guess in a sense going to hockey games in Ithaca is like going to Laker games in Los Angeles – you get to be seen by the “A-listers,” but please guys, you can go to Johnny O’s to do that. Now, I will admit, some of the jabs at the other team are funny. For example, one fan had a “poop is Brown” poster last year, and that was amazing.

But having a pair of tuba players go behind the visiting bench as the crowd tells the opposition to “go home” and “die,” just isn’t funny.

I know that the fans believe in tradition and that these cheers have been going on forever, but why must I be viewed like Carlos Delgado not standing for God Bless America because I don’t stand for Cornell’s alma mater, especially because the red brigade shouts Cornell’s color during the national anthem?

But you know what the scariest thing is about Cornell hockey fans? Not only are there ridiculous undergrads yelling like maniacs during the games, there are alums that do the same thing in online chat forums.

Yes, that’s right, there is a chat forum for the 11th-ranked team in Division I college hockey. But, I would advise everyone to check it out. There are plenty of important issues discussed, like marketing.

For instance, “JohnnieAg’99” wrote on Nov. 26, “Does anyone else think that the swooshes right on McCutcheon’s knees look a bit stupid? We’ve got one of the most iconic uniforms there is – but they look cheesy to me,” in response to a recent photo of junior forward Mark McCutcheon wearing kneepads with the Nike logo on them.

I’m guessing Johnnie graduated in 1999, which means he is probably 28 years old. Shouldn’t Johnnie maybe worry about starting a family instead of the kind of kneepads a 20-year old college hockey player is wearing?

Or maybe it’s just me. Maybe I haven’t delved deep enough into Cornell hockey fandom. Yeah, that’s it. Forget the rule against cheering in the press box. Friday night, I’m going to throw on my Cornell sweater, paint my face red, and yell at the Princeton goalie to bend down until he complies with my demand.

Sike, I have better things to do with my Friday night, because sometimes there are better things to do than go to a hockey game (gasp!). Honestly, get a freaking life hockey nerds.

Chris Mascaro is the Sun Sports Editor. He May Be Tall has appeared every other Friday this semester.

Archived article by Chris Mascaro