By February 6, 2006
There are two possible explanations for the bizarre, messy clash of the child’s cotton-candy, frivolous and hyperactive world of blocks and the adult’s sinister, black-humored and hyperactive world of curves embodied in Hoodwinked: (1) the directors thought they could appeal to both by creating a kid-friendly, but smart film, or (2) it’s the product of a drug-induced whim by a crazy person wanting to pull a big joke on kids and throw a pie in the face of the adults. I think the directors tried for #1, but ended up with #2.
Hoodwinked is the retelling of the classic Little Red Riding Hood fairy tale that we all knew and loved as kids (or did we?). Or, that’s the premise; in actuality, the Little Red Riding Hood story is just the basis for an action movie set in Cartoon World. Regardless, the movie begins with Little Red Riding Hood, or “Red” as she’s called (appealing to adults here!), voiced by Anne Hathaway, on her way to Granny’s (Glenn Close) house. When she gets there she encounters the big bad Wolf (Puddy from Seinfeld – er, Patrick Warburton) dressed as Granny.
My, what big ears and eyes he has! What big hands he has! “What bad breath you have,” notes Red. And as soon The Wolf realizes that he is not fooling her, he jumps out of bed, growls in her face, and … The two begin a karate fight, only to be interrupted by a Paul Bunyan-like character, The Woodsman, crashing through the wall and brandishing an ax. This is not your mother’s fairy tale.
Before things can get bloody and really start appealing to adults, the police break in and take them all into custody. There’s a Goody Bandit out on the loose, so naturally they want to interview a confection-courier, a ravenous wolf and a big fat man. Each, in turn, launches into his or her account of what really happened at Granny’s house, Rashomon style.
Red was just visiting her Granny and bringing her sweets. The Wolf is actually an investigative journalist who thought he could get the scoop by talking to Granny and Red, who come from a long line of famous bakers. The Woodsman is a failed actor who harbors dreams of being a famous yodeler and … eventually comes crashing through Granny’s house after being thrown from a rolling tree which he cut down. (Too far of a connection to relate the whole story.) And Granny – well, let’s just say that Granny may not be your standard, smelly old prune.
So does a movie like this appeal to kids? There were only a few in the audience, and they didn’t seem to laugh much until a hyper, rapid-fire talking squirrel entered the picture, who merely provides cheap laughs. But can they relate to the rest of the film? The weird rock and techno music scattered throughout? The references to James Bond, Star Wars and Kill Bill? The can of mace sprayed in a character’s face and the policemen replete with Tasers and nightsticks?
Kids’ movies like this one should appeal to adults, but, a few amusing parts notwithstanding, I don’t think it does. It is a quasi-musical, which surprised me, because I thought that cartoon musicals were dead. Movies like this show us why they are. The animation is sub-par and the cast providing the voices, with the exception of Close, is full of B-movie actors. The characters are flat, uninteresting and, in the case of the bad guy’s henchmen who look like SNL Sprocket dancers, sometimes odd. Hoodwinked doesn’t really deserve the title “film,” because it doesn’t have much of a brain or a heart. Rather, it is simply another kids’ cartoon.
By February 6, 2006
Having rushed potential Oscar winners to the screen before the Academy’s deadline and with summer blockbusters months away, February and March mark the depths of Hollywood’s doldrums. That explains in part the egregious lack of even mildly stimulating reels of 35 mm. (The omission of the word film there was quite intentional, and irrefutable if you bothered to look at your local theater’s “Now Playing” slate.) The next few weeks are a sort of inescapable vortex of doom as far as movies go.
All Hollywood bashing aside, all that ranting really was supposed to validate my choice for this week’s topic: trailer “re-cuts”. For those of you completely baffled by that last word there, think of something along the lines of rap’s countless remixes but with movies. And while these may not feature that same dramatic, disembodied male baritone we’re all used to hearing in movie trailers, they offer a different take on some old classics. That and they’re infinitely more entertaining than some of that complete crap that studios are putting out. So, without further incessant babbling, here are my top five trailer re-hashings, available through an appropriate Google search (then again, what isn’t?):
5. Top Gun (1986)
As if the original wasn’t homoerotic enough, someone decided to kick those undertones up a notch. No longer are Val Kilmer’s “Iceman” and Tom Cruise’s “Maverick” rivals; instead, suggestive glances made possible by clever cutting and gentle guitar strumming as background music provoke a reading between the lines message that maybe these two are “more than just friends”. And with two men in a masculine profession sharing a special bond, this re-cut makes Brokeback Mountain seem like a cheap rip-off and gives new meaning to “You can be my wingman anytime.”
4. Sleepless in Seattle (1993)
Sure, Meg Ryan seems like an effervescent, blond-haired, blue-eyed “girl next door,” but in reality she’s a crazed killer out to get Tom Hanks’ character. As a mysterious Steve Buscemi-like voice opines, “There’s a lot of desperate women out there looking for love.” The stock horror movie soundtrack in the background featuring thundering percussion really sells this original chick flick and romantic comedy as a horror movie.
3. Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)
There’s no way anybody could turn this Arnold action classic into anything but a movie about robots from the future trying to kill humanity’s latter day savior, John Connor, right? Wrong. T2 is really the poster child for NAMBLA, a movie about the forbidden love between a cyborg and the child he’s supposed to protect. Yes, it does take advantage of some tasteless and unimaginative humor, but it really requires a creative mind, the Goo Goo Dolls’ “Iris” and some major cojones to shed new light on the Terminator-turned-Governator’s character.
2. Se7en (1995)
This re-cut’s merits lie not in its originality or stark departure from the original, but in it’s professional feel. For someone who’s never seen the 1995 classic about two cops hunting down a serial killer obsessed with the Bible’s seven deadly sins (and hence the title, albeit with its pretentiously hip spelling), this re-cut would have you believe it’s about the rocky relationship between a retiring art critic and “the new guy.”
1. The Shining (1980)
This is the one that started it all. A brilliant reworking of Kubrick’s film that’s as masterfully done as the original. No longer is Jack Nicholson’s character a crazed maniac; he’s just a frustrated author who just can’t seem to finish his book. His psychic son Danny is just a kid looking for a father. With the only authentic-sounding narrator of the bunch and a perfectly fitting soundtrack that includes “Salisbury Hill,” it’s no wonder this re-cut really “shines.”