February 23, 2006

Pirate Invasion

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There are few genuinely revolutionary moments in the history of cinema. It’s possible to list them on one hand: D.W. Griffith legitimizing motion pictures as an art form; Sergei Eisenstein revitalizing the medium through montage; Orson Welles modifying the world’s notions of narrative structure. And then nothing for over 60 years. How tedious and trite movies have become in the 21st century! How many times have we wondered when a director will come forward with a similar surety of vision and surplus of talent?

Wait no longer. Joone, the legendary director of the Island Fever and Virtual Sex series, has thoroughly envisioned a new future for film, and it involves jarfuls of ass-cum. Yes, Pirates represents the most expensive and elaborate pornographic movie ever made and, while one might assume that this extra capital has been happily spent on the degradation and objectification of women, it has actually been used to enhance the goofy special effects.

No detail has been spared in perfectly recreating 17th-century Caribbean culture; there are all the requisite skeleton warriors, Incan magic, and bodices that unleash cleavage in tidal waves.

But the most peculiar feature of the movie is its merging of pirate melodrama and hardcore porn. It’s difficult to determine whom exactly Pirates appeals to, since anyone interested in watching big boobs bounce off bed poles is probably less interested in the meandering pirate-war narrative. There’s something paradoxical in the idea of high-class porn: most women of good taste are not associated with, say, prolific cocksucking. From my experience, the world is mostly divided into crooked pervs and square prigs – without much overlap – and a movie for both is a movie for neither.

Still, the sex scenes are quite impressive but, for authenticity’s sake, they’re also usually brief, confusing and poorly illuminated. The original score is an odd assemblage of neo-baroque music, which makes even the most coke-binged sex act feel like it’s taking place inside a cathedral.

However, the talent is sterling. The most adept performers are Jesse Jane, a true deepthroat virtuoso, and Tommy Gunn, an ironclad captain who doesn’t expend much effort on his dialogue but lovingly crafts large slabs of jizz for anyone within walking distance. Special distinction should also be given to Carmen Luvana, an alleged virgin who shreds through pussies like they were made of phyllo dough.

The 3-DVD package is truly extraordinary and includes two versions of the movie (one for normal players, one for HDDVD), and assorted bloopers, bios, behind-the-scenes features and commentary tracks.

There is only one activity more pathetic than watching two hours of porn commentary: reviewing it for the local student paper in tortured prose. As one of the few and proud who watched the entire track, I commend Janine for trying to insert some depth and perspective into the proceedings. For better or worse, the other stars mostly giggle, hum and talk about pussy-crunching.

I have attempted to give a fair analysis of Pirates’ merits and flaws, but one must not fail to note that, at the end of the day, this is just a bunch of hot, naked people ravaging each other’s bodies aboard pirate ship. Conceptually, this project is unassailable. Joone has stumbled upon a truly powerful notion: When the audience is being bombarded by money shots, it’s relatively simple to overlook character deficiencies and plotholes.

For this reason, if you have any predilection for pirates and pornography, Pirates: is heartily recommended.

Archived article by Sun Staff