All of us have just sold our souls to the Devil. We have, in essence, signed away our GPAs, our social lives and anything that might be construed as actual sanity. In return, we get nothing. This is how deals with the Devil work. Faust did not learn it, Daniel Webster didn’t learn it, and most certainly Dick Cheney didn’t learn it. We know that we seem to have gotten prime editorial positions, but, in the end, we fear that all we have left to do is burn. The following fates will befall the 124th Editorial Board of The Sun:
Erica Fink ’07, the new editor in chief, is the Queen of the Damned. A staunch New Yorker, she will be condemned to what, for someone of her character, will truly be hell on Earth: Des Moines, Iowa. She will roam the cornfields until she goes mad.
The incoming business manager, Eric Bernbaum ’08, has been appointed to the task of encouraging people to actually advertise in these pages. Since he is a sophomore, and too young to know any better, he will be given easier tasks, and forced to sell ice-pops to Eskimos and ketchup packets to ladies in white gloves.
Michael Morisy ’07, the managing editor, is the picture of a southern gentleman. He wears white suits and sips on lemonade. For this, he will be condemned to forever serve a Mexican. May God have mercy on his soul.
That Mexican is Carlos Maycotte ’07, the Associate Editor. He swam across the river in order to seek gainful employment on the American side. He works at The Sun not for his resume, but for the free housing. Every job he holds from now on will be lost to an American.
Natalie Georges ’07 is the new Advertising Manager. Her background in American Studies will help her figure out how to sell cigarettes to kids. For penance, she will have to marry a guy named George. Otherwise her last name won’t make sense.
The new Sports Editor actually has breasts. As any sports writer can attest, sports and breasts are truly a winning combination. However, Olivia Dwyer ’07 needs to evolve into what a real sports editor should be, and will grow a penis.
Claire Ganley ’08 and Emily Meyer ’08 will be the new Design Editor. Yes, singular. They are actually the same person. We know this because you never see the two together. Since they are one entity, they will have to marry conjoined twins.
The new Web Editor will be condemned to Amish country. Without computers, Homan Lee ’08 will begin to plug wires into himself so that he can at least have to illusion of gazing into a blue screen.
The hair of Elliot Singer ’08 is truly a sight to be seen. As the new Arts Editor, we expect him to be quirky. But not that quirky. He will be stricken with alopecia, extinguishing his coif, and forced to live a completely hairless existence.
The new Photo Editor, Robert Bonow ’06, likes sneaking around in bushes and taking pictures of people. He will not only be cursed to live in a glass house, but also will be hounded by paparazzi at all times, even when he’s picking his nose – an activity he likes to call “Robby’s Time.”
She may seem sweet on the outside, but Julie Geng ’08, one of four News Editors, will bite your hand off if you try to get close to her. Her steadfastness is but a front. In an ironic twist, she will be mauled to death by what she thought was actually a furry rabbit.
Vanessa Hoffman ’07, is the City Editor. A nutrition major, she is very tuned in to the healthy side of food. For this, she will for eternity have to subsist on Krispy Kremes filled with fondue.
Olivia Oran ’08, the third (alphabetically) of the News Editors, can pull off a ponytail at any angle on her head. Sideways, frontways, anyways, her versatility will be put to the test as she is doomed to be forever hit on by every guy at The Sun.
The mystery of Rebecca Shoval ’08’s hair color may never be solved. Pink, purple or maybe red, it would make a colorblind person actually go blind. The last of the News Editors will have to relocate to a place where she’ll truly belong:Mobile, Alabama.
Tim Kuhls ’07, the Oklahoma cowboy and Assistant Sports Editor, was so enthralled by Brokeback Mountain that he’s moving to Wyoming. Living off the land, he will be shot by Dick Cheney who will mistake him for a relatively small bear.
The youngest Assistant Sports Editor, Josh Perlin ’08, is majoring in being a computer geek. What he’s doing in sports, we’ll never know. An endless string of wedgies, swirlies and indian burns will forever torment him.
The Sun’s resident townie, Paul Testa ’07, another Assistant Sports Editor, tries to convince all of us that his imaginary girlfriend isn’t actually imaginary. He will die in the desert, mad, having never found another “non-imaginary thing:” the WMDs.
An Irishman, Will Fleming ’07, the Assistant Design Editor, dared insult Mexican beer in front of an actual Mexican. This astonishing lack of judgment should serve him well, as he is fated to insult Nascar in Savannah, Georgia.
Clarice Jacobson ’07, the new Marketing Manager, is in the School of Industrial and Labor Relations. Her love of reading will be her undoing, as she will be felled by a collapsing bookcase as she’s looking for more reading materials in the New York Public Library.
Jonny Lieberman ’08, the Associate Arts Editor, is from California. He moved to northern New York willingly. The fact that it’s 80 degrees over there and 20 over here allows us the easiest fate of all: regular, old hell should be good enough for him.
The last of the damned, Ming Zhang ’08, is the Assistant Advertising Manager. An econ major from New York, his fate will be a horrifying one indeed. Beginning next year, when his term ends, he will forever look exactly like Alan Greenspan.
Archived article by Carlos Maycotte
Sun Associate Editor