Once and for all, I would like to lay down some ground rules for overhearing :
It cannot be something you say.
It must be randomly overheard. That is the funny part.
It cannot be from a conversation of which you are a part (except under extenuating circumstances, e.g., it is too great to not document).
You cannot plant listening devices to “overhear” what people are saying when you’re not around. This is called ILLEGAL.
You cannot ignore the friends with whom you are walking because you hear someone saying something ridiculous. Actually…yes, yes you can. I do this often.
Otherwise, knock yourselves out. Email firstname.lastname@example.org and look for Overheard every Thursday in the Sun. If you can’t wait that long, check out The Ear’s Overheard at Cornell blog (overheardatcornell.blogspot.com) whenever you’re in need of a dosage of inanity.
Guy on phone: So how’s the toilet paper situation? …uhh, okay… how about paper towels? …uhh, napkins? …newspapers? …ohh, shit, guys!
Insanely drunk guy 1: I lie when I’m drunk
Insanely drunk guy 2: I don’t remember if I lies when I’m drunks.
Insanely drunk guy 1: I love lies when I’m drunk… [pause, scuffling sounds]…Dude you spilled your damn marinara all over me dude, gooooddd, orange marinara EVERYWHERE!!
[fight ensues, cops are called in]-Outside of Class of 1926
Girl 1: I’ve been going to the gym a lot lately, guys…
Girls 2 & 3: No, you haven’t!
Girl 1: Obviously you haven’t seen me naked!
Guy to group of guys: Yeah, it’s kinda gay. But it’s the fun kinda gay.
-Frisbee Fields, PA
Loud girl on cell phone: And then he asked me what German people look like, and I told him, “Well, I’ve never seen a German woman wear make-up.”… except for that one… yeah… no, not Gisele, the one who says “Auf Wiedersehn.”
Girl 1: I wish my dad owned Texas Instruments
Girl 2: Wait, why’s that?
Girl 1: Because then I would be really rich…and I would have all the calculators I wanted!
Girl 2: Oh my god, you’re right!
Girl: I’m confused, so what is goodwill?
Guy: I dunno
Girl: Isn’t it that place where you get all your clothes?
Hipster (to girl at another table): Can I have a light?
Girl: Uh, you can’t smoke in here.
Hipster: Yeah, I just wanted to turn my dinner into steak flambé.
Girl: Uh, you have chicken there.
Dude: I like business? Sometimes. But I like parties? ALL the time.
-Johnson Business School
Cornellian: And the professor was all like “Look at me, I have a PhD and have written a dozen books.” Come on! Bite me. My dad has written 13!