December 1, 2006

If He Had Done It

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If Putin did it, he certainly would not have used a pussy radioactive element like Polonium-210. I mean, like, give the man some credit. He’s the president (tsar?) of the former USSR headquarters — dude would’ve gotten like two henchmen to hold the double agent bastard’s tongue so Putin could’ve Bowie-knifed that shit, or at least judo-chopped it. (Putin has earned a rainbow of felt belts and is well known for his devastating hip toss.) So everyone, PUH-LEASE. Besides, would the Kremlin choose an element that was named in honor of its discoverer, Marie Curie (a woman), whose homeland happens to be the nefarious Poland. Politics 101 people — Poland and Russia are like Cain and Abel. Vlady would not want any credit given to the whiney, ass pain-inducing Polish for anything – good, bad, or radioactive. Put 2 and 2 together folks; it doesn’t add up to 210.
Not convinced? Don’t you think the same man who swept years of Russian democratic progress under his leopard-print rug would, in the least, utilize some bad-ass radioactive element like plutonium? Have you seen what that does to a woman’s nether parts?
The Brit Bobbies are too busy fumbling about with their monocles to realize that Vlad the Wonderful had once kissed their prime minister, Tony Blair. A close friend of Alexander Litvinenko, the former content-Commie turned dirty-democratizer in question, spoke out post-mortem: “Blair and [keep America out of this] were happy to kiss and embrace Putin while he was killing in Chechnya, killing in Russia and now killing abroad.” Gee, do you think Vlad the Austere would dare look like a Twinkie for even a minute if he was going to turn Brit-Rusky relations on their head just a minute later? If V-Glad Putin had any knowledge that Litvinenko was soon to meet his maker due to Russian hands, the man would not have kissed Tony Blair. Putin’s a charmer, but he’s also a savvy politician who knows that a good ole’ fashioned Russian bear hug is always the better gesture. (Nothing but a handshake and a half-bow for you, Mr. Blair.)
Now that the press have their yellowing fingernails all over the crime scene, pitching it like some UK CSI episode, I’ve been reading a lot of this means thats. Just when I wasn’t looking, this isn’t the first time he’s done it became he’ll probably do it again. It seems that the mollifying “maybe [Litvinenko] committed suicide” conjecture being tossed around has, at least, carved itself a tiny jetty into the non-stop stream of murder-cry-bull-jive pouring out of the talking heads.
Sometimes a man just wants to enjoy a dry bowl of Lucky Charms and watch a few sequential Girls Gone Wild commercials without hearing about another conspiracy theorist’s circle jerk. That’s all. Litvinenko was a muckraker and a rabble rouser. We don’t need any of that obtuse junk. Don’t we have some gay marriage to save?