March 15, 2007

March Madness Breakdown

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Realizing my weekly radio show, “The Sports Bonanza” was coming up Wednesday afternoon, I knew I had a responsibility, nay, a radio journalistic integrity to honor the pressure and demands of my listeners. My mother (comment: “I wish you would cut down on the potty humor, then I could tell your aunt and uncle”), occasionally my ex-girlfriend (comment: “It was fine”) and a couple of my drunken fraternity brothers (who once called in to ask if we knew a store that wouldn’t card if they tried to buy beer). Still, for my own sanity and the fact that my current my get-rich-quick idea (the pyramid scheme I was working on recently fell through) is to enter as many five dollar pools figuring I’ll win one, I had to fill out my bracket Wednesday night after returning home from putting out the Spring sports supplement. Here’s a play-by-play of my thoughts while filling out the bracket.

South Region

5:26 a.m.: I can’t decide whether Memphis is for real or not. All I know is that their coach’s last name makes me hungry and that they stole away my hometown boy Derrick Rose for their class of 2011. Still, I feel like all those wins in Conference-USA are kind of like getting straight As as a general studies major. The Tigers only win against a ranked opponent was against Kentucky, where Tubby Smith looks like he may get the old boot.

5:27 a.m.: Ah, I love Nevada. It’s too bad, because I think Creighton could have made a run with a better matchup. The Wolf Pack has the perfect inside-outside duo with Nick Fazekas and Marcelus Kemp. They’ll go far if Fazekas shaves his head again, and once Shawn Kemp finally shows up to support his illegitimate child. You heard it here, they will take down Memphis in Round 2.

5:31 a.m.: Just checked a draft prospect website. Fazekas better create some good memories for me know because the analysis was best case scenario, he ends up like Christian Laettner. I hate Laettner. Also, why did they feel the need to compare him to another awkwardly athletic white guy? Laettner never even shaved his head. Enough about race.

5:39: a.m.: Just took a break to read Penn forward Stephen Danley’s running diary in The New York Times. Despite it being well written, light-hearted and fun to read, filled with interesting nuggets about Penn basketball, Danley still comes off as conceited and arrogant. He can’t help it: he’s from Penn. Thank God Jaaber and Zoeller are graduating.

5:40 a.m.: I’m wary of a basketball team that has six players who took time off to go be Mormon missionaries. Xavier will trounce them, and then rub it in their face through arrogant chest bumping and dancing. BYU will take it with aplomb and grace as they have a greater calling in life.

5:45 a.m.: It’s amazing that after Virginia lost to an NC State team filled with a bunch of players from 8 Mile and Deliverance in the ACC Tourney, that they still garnered such a high seed in the tournament. It’s too bad they’ll have to lose to a legitimate team like Tennessee, who is for real. Chris Lofton, who I’m finally beginning to separate from Kenny Lofton the baseball player, can rain 3s all day long.

5:50 a.m.: First really tough call, OSU-Tennessee. Ohio State is so talented, as long as they play to their potential they’ll win. On a side note, if you morph the faces of LeBron James and Michael Finley, then age it 30 years and grow a grizzly-man beard, you’ve got Greg Oden.

6:10 a.m.: After taking a quick break for a bowl of frosted mini-wheats with Cinnamon Toast Crunch piled on top, my head is ready to tackle the hardest call yet, OSU vs. Texas A&M. Let’s make a list. Texas A&M: they have an ampersand in their name; the game is being played in San Antonio (although with the size of Texas that could be three normal states away from their campus, I don’t know), Acie Law IV is the most ridiculous clutch shooter I have seen in recent years, and has the name to back it up; teams with seniors and great point guard play (Law) usually go far in the tourney; Joseph Jones makes me feel safe because I have as much hops as he does. Ohio State: they have the man-child; they’ve got that double-edged sword by having a bunch of freshmen that either get that deer-in-the-headlights look, or are so naïve they don’t realize what’s happening and just dump on the rest of the tournament; I like that they played a tough non-conference early season schedule to get their freshman tournament tested.
I’m taking OSU.

East Region

10:00 a.m.: I decided to take a quick break to listen to Tony Kornhesier and Michael Wilbon’s take on life in general, but never woke up as I was lying in my bed. Let’s start in the East Region. Get ready for endless story lines about John Thompson III and Patrick Ewing, Jr. Sadly, we’ll have to endure many of CBS’s video montages spliced with interviews and camera shots panning a table of old photos of Papa Ewing playing at Georgetown because I think Georgetown can make a run in this weak region.

10:10 a.m.: After doing some research I have decided that Oral Roberts will beat Washington State. The Cougars lost to every ranked team they played all year except Arizona, who fell drastically out of the polls after point guard Mustafa Shakur was permanently detained at airport security for questioning due to his name.

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