April 1, 2007

Hazing, Sustainability Arches To Be Built on Cornell Campus

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Sun Senior Batter

In an effort to increase awareness of some of the most important and rarely issues on campus, President Skorton announced the implementation of Sustainability and Hazing arches yesterday.

The Sustainability arches will be placed throughout campus, while the Hazing arches will line the doors of Cornell’s fraternity houses.

“Basically, we’re trying to sustain hazing,” Skorton informed The Sun through ESP.
When asked to clarify, Skorton threateningly pulled a large wooden shaped object, believed to be a paddle, from a bag he was carrying.

To make the arches as visually appealing as possible, Cornell chose I.M. Stupid ’56, designer of such infamously beautiful campus landmarks as Uris Hall. Stupid, famed entrepreneur and architect, agreed to design the arches.

“I’m really excited to help Cornell in any way I can,” Stupid said.

The decision to build the arches was made by Steven Silvering, who was out of town at the time of the implementation.

“Hazing Cornell freshmen is a top priority for the very large administration at Cornell,” Silvering stated in a press release.

Tonya Harding, who invented the idea of hazing arches last year while sake bombing in Collegetown with several underage pledges of various Cornell fraternities, was unavailable for comment.

In a related story, President Skorton announced that he is indisputably the father of late Anna Nicole Smith’s baby Danielynn. Skorton also said he has videotape proof that will be released at Thursday’s Student Assembly meeting.

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