July 7, 2007

Lesson Seven: Start Smoking

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Lesson Learned Warning: The following post is in bad taste. It’s also very funny.

It seems that smokers are a dying breed (yes, that’s a pun). According to the CDC, the number of smokers in the United States continues to decline. The dedicated smokers are growing old (late 40s for them) and passing on, while a new generation is being bombarded with anti-tobacco ads keeping them away from the tasty cancer sticks. Replacement smokers (12 year olds) aren’t as easy to come by anymore. All of this makes me feel bad for Big Tobacco, so I decided to fight for the little guy and explain some of the merits of smoking delicious cigarettes.

Smoking has recently been characterized as a dirty habit that isn’t cool. This is, of course, completely ridiculous. Smoking is dangerous and rebellious. Both of those things make it cool. Of course, you’re not cool just because you smoke, but if you’re already “kind of cool,” smoking has the ability to make you “super cool.”

Smoking is also sexy. The damage smoking does to your throat gives you a very sexy raspy voice. In the future, it may cause irreversible damage to your skin, teeth, and, well, throat (what throat holes aren’t sexy?), but that’s well into the future. Rebels think in the now. Granted, cigarettes make you taste like an ashtray, but if you can afford a $9 pack of cigarettes, you can afford a breath mint.

Smoking relieves stress. This works on two levels. The primary stress relief comes from some chemical (I was too lazy to actually do research) which gives you a slightly euphoric feeling. The secondary stress relief comes from the “smoke break.” Anytime your job, girlfriend, parents, or school is stressing you out, simply go have a cigarette. It’s like a little timeout from life. If you’re still stressed after one cigarette, have another. Repeat this until you’re stress-free or coughing up blood.

The final reason to smoke is really a humanitarian issue. The fact is that even though smoking continues to decline in the United States, there are more smokers in the world now than ever before. Big Tobacco has shifted their focus to developing countries where they can more easily persuade people to smoke. Let’s face it, they’ll probably find a cure for cancer in the West in the next 30 years, but it won’t make it to those developing countries for another 100. So let’s have the tobacco companies refocus on the United States by once again becoming a nation of smokers. It would simply be irresponsible not to.