July 9, 2007

Cosmo Offers Worst Sex Positions Ever

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When I came across Cosmo’s Most Creative Sex Positions Ever, I sort of expected Cosmopolitan to deliver. While I shouldn’t have been hoping for much from a women’s magazine whose horoscope promises my sign that “a McDreamy look-alike asks you out” (still waiting, Dempsey), I did half-anticipate some legitimate sex advice that college-aged ladies — Cosmo’s target demographic — might be able to use.

And yet … no. Let’s take a look at some of their suggestions, shall we?

“Sit on the edge of the counter, pull your knees up to your chest, and place your feet flat on the counter. Have your guy stand facing you between your legs, then scoot your bum far enough forward (it may have to hang over the edge or even hover a few inches above the surface) so he can enter you. If you’re too high up for him to reach you comfortably, he can stand on a phone book or sturdy crate.”

Ever tried sex in a kitchen? When you “scoot your bum” to the edge of the counter, the rim digs into your ass like none other. It hurts like hell and it leaves a mark. Trust me. Also, I don’t know about your house in Collegetown, but in my apartment’s kitchen, the two of us wouldn’t be alone. We’d have to be comfortable with welcoming guests. You know, little pieces of dry Ramen noodles, probably something honey-barbecue flavored, maybe a Froot Loop or two—I don’t know, he may get jealous with all those other participants getting in on the action. And for the love of God, boys, please don’t try to have sex with me while standing on a crate or a phone book. Ugh.

“Standing-up sex can be a challenge, unless there’s some solid structure for support…like a door frame. For this pose, have your guy squat with his back against one side of a doorway. His thighs should be parallel to the floor, and he can put his hands behind his lower back for cushioning. Stand facing away from him, spread your legs so they’re on either side of his, and then back up onto his member.”

Remember that intense training montage in that movie Drumline where they make all the drummers do wall-sits in the rain and they’re all, like, crying? And you thought to yourself “wow, that looks so shitty, that probably hurts like hell. Plus it’s raining. Damn.” Well, it seems as though these images inspired the lovely ladies over at Cosmo and this suggestion was born. Yes, standing-up sex can be a challenge. Cosmo’s solution? Have your man do a wall-sit and then add your body weight on top of his legs while you try to coax a bit of intercourse out of the pose. Hell, he’d love this so much that I’d be surprised if he didn’t whip out a ring and propose to you right then and there.

“Sit on your guy’s lap while he’s on the couch, and tuck your feet into the crease where the back and seat connect. When he’s inside you, hold on to each other’s forearms for support, and slowly lean back until you’re lying on his thighs. Straighten your legs slightly and push back your hips to ride your guy; he can use your arms to help propel you back and forth.”

Again, I don’t know about your apartment, but that little place where the back and seat of my couch connect is where many a stray piece of food and a sizeable population of bottlecaps have gone to die. So yeah, I’ve always wanted to put my bare feet in there while I spread myself out on a guy’s lap in the most unflattering position of all time, thus creating roughly 10 chins and making my boobs bounce in the most ridiculous manner while my guy drags me back and forth BY MY ARMS. Hot. Yeah, I’ve always wanted to try that. I have also always wanted to stop shaving and showering and get a tattoo of a penis on my forehead. Which of these do you think would be more of a turn-on?

To Cosmo: Really? Okay, these are creative ideas—I’ll give you that. But as flavored condoms and poorly-executed dirty talk have taught us all, what seem like wonderfully original, sexy ideas can be terrible failures when put into practice. Please keep this in mind next time you consider publishing something that advises your readers to have sex with a guy who is standing on top of a phonebook.