Long Live the King (of Snacks)

Welcome back to the hill. For those first year students who have never read any of my columns, let me catch you up. I eat disgusting amounts of unhealthy food, and then write about it. In the great tradition of the college sex/relationship column I bring you heaping portions of “food porn” with a side of humor. Yes, it’s the world’s only “Snack Food Column”, and it’s written by the world’s self proclaimed King of Snacks. Let’s chow down.
This summer was on fire! Literally. My house caught on fire. Now normally when a house catches on fire people are worried about losing precious valuables, priceless photos, loved ones etc. But my family lost something far more important. Our brushed stainless steel monster BBQ grill was destroyed in the blaze. Possibly our most cherished outdoor possession (Mr. Hammock could have been tied for first), wiped out in a blazing inferno. That meant … wait for it … no grilling in the summer! I can’t think of anything (in the snack world) that could possibly be worse than no grilling in the summer.
I mean, did I watch an entire Grillin’ Week on the Food Network for nothing? Did I suffer through Paula Deen mispronouncing Italian words on purpose for naught? Was I forced to go to Wendy’s instead of grill up burgers myself? (Yes, but in reality that last part wasn’t so bad, especially with the introduction of the Frostie float for 1.99.)
Worst of all, (in terms of the Food Network,) it meant I couldn’t use all the knowledge I learned in the “Battle Rib-Eye” episode of Iron Chef America! The loss of the grill meant no Charlie Niesenbaum world famous grilled chicken! (Ingre­dients: Salt, Pepper, Lemon Juice, Sautéed Garlic, Onion Powder, Basil, Ore­gano. Directions: Throw all the spices in a bowl with the garlic and oil, oil up the chicken squirt lemon in the bowl, grill until delicious.) It meant not grilling onions in foil and no grilling corn naked!
Speaking of grilled corn, this summer I visited Lancaster County (home of the Amish) and went to a corn maze. The official theme of the maze was “Wild Wild West” (the old west, not the Will Smith movie.) The unofficial theme of the maze was “Wow this corn is so cheap and delicious, and even though we can’t find the exit of the maze, we sure as hell can consistently find the within-maze-snack-bar.” Kettle corn popcorn, grilled corn, corn-dogs, and regular popcorn were ours for the snacking.
It’s clear that the destruction of my grill lead me to the fringes of society, in order to tease out new delicious summer snacks that I could one day add to my regular stable of favorites.
For example, if you like berries and cream, may I suggest a new snack I concocted this past summer. Insert 2-4 blackberries into your mouth, fill the remaining space of your mouth with whipped cream from a can. Chomp, enjoy, repeat, (3-20 times depending on how many cans of whipped you have.)