October 3, 2007

Sanford Praises the Virtues of Finding a Sports Girl

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If the pattern stays true, fall break will signify the last time we will see the sun for a long time — sorry freshmen. And with the influx of cold weather, two things are bound to happen. One, students will challenge the weather with an abundance of alcohol, drinking more than they do now to mask the coldness that is Ithaca. Or two, us Cornelians will pass on adorning the so called “alcohol coats” and stay inside with a special mate. While I do prefer to put on all alcohol winter gear — scarf, gloves and boots — I cannot look down at the man who decides to stay inside with a special friend.
But fellas, before you get all crazy, you must go through this selection process carefully. You can’t just pick anyone, remember this girl is going to be with you all night — that is if you’re as smooth as yours truly. So you must not just pick a girl for how good she looks but also for how long you can tolerate her, as bad that sounds.
With that said, the best option is the girl who likes sports. You know, the girl who will drink a beer with you when the Yankees are playing. The girl who will volunteer to make nachos for you and your boys when USC is beating down some team in So Cal. That girl … yeah, we all want her.
The purpose of this column is to help you guys find her. First step, identify all of your prospective winter time lovelies. Call them once a week, daily text … keep them in the fold. Two, leave this column around. Do what you have to, link this column from Facebook, leave it on her bed, whatever it takes. From here on out, I will describe the perfect winter time girl.
I’ll start with a perfect example. Last year, my old roommate and I were playing Madden until he had to stop the game midway through because a girl was on her way over to watch movies with him — whatever that means. When she came over, she saw me playing Madden by myself and introduced herself. The beauty of this girl was she wanted to play against me and no, not in the future, right then and there. She postponed the movie for a little lesson in Madden. To this day, I am one of her biggest fans and she will always get my best recommendation.
Example number two, one of my other friends has a girlfriend who is a marginal sports fan. She occasionally watches games and routes for her hometown teams. The beauty of this girl, however, is that she increases our sports enthusiasm. Too often have I seen my good friends have to pass up on rivalry games, fantasy leagues and more because their respective girlfriend’s wanted to talk on the phone, cuddle or go to the movies. With this girl, however, when my friend and I watch football, she doesn’t tell him to go with her to the mall, she offers to make snacks. When we go to Newman to play ball, she offers to buy Gatorade. She, too, will always get my best recommendation.
Now, I know, not every girl is going to love sports. Not every girl you come across is going embrace the whole ESPN 24/7 idea and that’s fine … you can live with that. The key is to make sure that she at the very least understands these rules.

1) Never ask, what just happened? There is nothing worse than watching Kobe Bryant take a game-winning charge and then have to explain the rules behind why it was so important.
2) Never walk in front of the television.
3) Never take control of the remote. No explanation needed.
4) Never, I repeat, never DVR over a sporting event. If I come home expecting to see Game 7 of the NBA Finals and instead I see an episode of The O.C. you might as well delete your number out of my phone book.
5) Never start a non-sports related conversation in the middle of a game. I will be damned if I have to hear about Ashley’s new bag during the national championship.