October 18, 2007

Mix Proposes New Sports Costumes for Halloween

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“Is that Andrei Nikolishin?” In my mind, I was hoping that everyone in my neighborhood would utter this mistaken phrase. You see, in Oct. 1995, when I was in fourth grade, I dressed up as a Hartford Whaler for Halloween. I proudly wore my blue, green and white jersey, and I somehow borrowed a stick and a helmet from someone. I have to say, I could probably fit in easily with Andrew Cassels, Geoff Sanderson, Glen Wesley, Sean Burke and the rest of the Whaler crew. Unfortunately for me, that was the pinnacle of all my Halloween costumes. My Halloween career is kind of like Tatum O’Neal’s acting career — I peaked before the age of 10. I never thought outside the box in any of my next 12 costumes, and instead usually just threw on some random jersey 15 minutes before going out to trick-or-treat.
I feel like many Cornellians have the same mentality as me. Every year on Halloween, the same old costumes come out. A cat? Too benign. A ghost? Too 1950s. A cheerleader? Too much like a prostitute. Many males and females on this campus seem to wear one of two things — either a risqué outfit or a boring sports jersey (and by boring, I mean a jersey of a Boston or New York sports star currently in his prime and on Sportscenter every night).
If I see more than 20 Tom Brady jerseys on Halloween night, I’m going to flip out like Cohutta during the “Grilled Cheese Sandwich Incident” on last week’s Real World: Sydney. For the sports fans out there, there are a number of creative Halloween costume ideas just waiting to be worn.
If you want to wear a creative and fun sport-related Halloween costume without stretching your budget, consider bringing an old jersey out of the closet. Try finding a horribly outdated jersey of a terrible player — like Neil O’Donnell on the Steelers or Akili Smith on the Bengals. Any jersey of a player who infuriated his team’s fans on a regular basis is fair game. If you are debating feeding your Cade McKnown Bears jersey to your local stray dog, wear it on Halloween instead. And I know these jerseys exist on this campus; last week my friends and I saw someone wearing a Rob Johnson Bills jersey that looked like it was a size youth medium.
Another interesting jersey to wear is a player who only played briefly on a team. If you were stupid enough to purchase an Alfonso Soriano Nationals jersey, a Wayne Gretzky Blues jersey, a Dikembe Mutombo Nets jersey or a Sammy Sosa Orioles jersey, it’s time to whip it out! Nothing scares me more than the sight of someone roaming around in a Ty Law Jets jersey.
If you don’t want to only go the straight jersey route, you might want your costume to re-enact some of the more humorous moments in sports history. If you are a Terrell Owens fan (all two of you), you might want to wear his jersey and carry around a football and a Sharpie all night. If you like Ricky Williams (and who doesn’t?), try wearing his jersey and smoking marijuana all night (although you might want to double-check the legality of this costume). If you are a girl, you could wear a Marion Jones Team USA track outfit and have your male friend periodically rub you with “The Clear” and “The Cream” (although this costume might cause your voice to deepen significantly and hair to grow in undesirable places).
For those of you who are really creative, you should consider a costume of your favorite sports movie character. The most obvious ones are Rocky and Apollo Creed, although it would also be funny for someone to be Ivan Drago or even Mason “The Line” Dixon. If you don’t mind spending a few dollars, you could purchase a custom-made No. 99 Anaheim Mighty Ducks jersey with “Banks” on the back. If I see anyone wearing such a jersey, I will buy that person a drink. On the other hand, if I see anyone wearing a “Beamon” Miami Sharks jersey, that person better buy me a drink — fast.
Finally, for the people who have few moral scruples, here is one final idea that it is in very bad taste. You have to have one friend wear a Bruins jersey and find another friend to wear a Canucks jersey. The Bruin would tape a hockey stick to the head of the Canuck and the two of you could reenact the Marty McSorley-Donald Brashear stick-to-the-head incident all night long.
I better see some interesting sports costumes in order to countermand all the inevitable Patriots and Red Sox jerseys. Or else Halloween in Ithaca might turn into Halloween in Haddonfield.