October 31, 2007

Colbert Funds Building, Major

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This article appeared in the 2007 edition of the annual Halloween joke issue. The content below was intended for entertainment and parody purposes only and is not true. Happy Halloween!

In a surprise announcement, comedian and satirist Stephen Colbert said Monday he will donate $40 million toward an academic building on Cornell’s Ithaca campus. The building will be used to “support the dissemination of truthiness and the communication of wikiality to impressionable young minds,” according to a joint University and Comedy Central press release.
Colbert announced the donation on his show, The Colbert Report, last night, just days after his weekend performance at Barton Hall. He explained that his recent tour of university campuses, ostensibly to promote his presidential campaign in South Carolina, was in fact scheduled to determine which school would get all his money.
The new building will be located on top of McGraw and White Halls. $5 million of Colbert’s donation will go to the construction of a ski lift up Libe Slope so that students “get even less exercise than ever,” according to the press release. The top of the ski lift will rest on the roof of the building, Stephen Colbert Hall.
In honor of Colbert’s donation, Cornell has announced plans to create a new major in the College of Human Ecology. The major, Running for President, will be based on Colbert’s current campaign regimen.
“This new major is a travesty. No one should run for president except me,” President David Skorton told The Sun. “In fact, I am trying to promote an outdoor-only classes policy. Survival of the fittest, I always say.”
When classes are in session, The Word, a popular segment from Colbert’s show, will be projected on the side of the new building.

Requirements for New Major

RFP267: Coddling Political Action Committees
LING137: Pronunciation and Making Up of Words
AEM254: Hiding Corporate Sponsorships
ILR291: Playing the Lobbying Game
RFP400: Legitimizing Unnecessary Wars
RFP412: Deferring to the Vice President
RFP483: Silencing Congress
RFP666: Passing the Buck