October 31, 2007

The Cornell Connection

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This article appeared in the 2007 edition of the annual Halloween joke issue. The content below was intended for entertainment and parody purposes only and is not true. Happy Halloween!

The dude abides. That is something that Sammy Perlmutter ’10 is often heard saying about himself, especially in the shower, and it’s true. (It’s also true that Perlmutter wears his trademark blue thick-rimmed glasses in the shower, as they are surgically attached to his face.) The Sun — and by “The Sun” I mean myself, Rebecca Weiss ’09 of Atherton, CA, Choate Rosemary Hall ’05, former Sports Editor of the Choate News (some call me a jack-of-all-trades. I certainly do), because it always means that — thought Perlmutter was an intriguing figure, so we (the royal we) decided to sit him down for a chat before we staged a coup d’etat. Perlmutter doesn’t know what coup d’etat means, so don’t tell him. Here is an excerpt of that conversation:

Rebecca Weiss: How would you categorize your time at Cornell?
Sammy Perlmutter: Rediculous! [sic] It has been pretty sick, dude. It was, like, totally hard for me to leave LA. I mean, I had to break up with Hannah [Montana]. And, you know, things are just different back there.
RW: But, didn’t you follow Jonny “Peso” Lieberman to Cornell? You certainly had friends who came with you …
SP: That dude [Sun Editor-in-Chief] is like a brother to me. He’s the legend. He’s more like my brother than my actual brother. I really love him. Sometimes when he’s in Libe Cafe and I’m also in Libe Cafe, I help him out by doing various tasks.
RW: Like what, exactly?
SP: You know, like typing things up on his BlackBerry for him. Ordering him a Tall Grande Dry Long Island — keep this on the DL, but he’s been watching his carbs. Also, sometimes I scout the new freshmen girls for him. He can get anyone he wants, you know, but it doesn’t hurt to go for freshmen.
RW: Right. Upon reflection, the shade of azure that your glasses demonstrate piqued my interests in art — especially Picasso’s Blue Period. Does that particular aesthetic manifest itself elsewhere within your music? Or, perhaps within your academic endeavors? Or, at the Sun?
SP: Dude. Honestly, I think that’s a great question. No, but seriously. I mean, I think that Picasso is sick. Some of his analytic drawings are really wild. Just … Yeah. Hmmm … Yeah, my band, American Airlines, we are influenced heavily by the cubist aesthetic. Braque: that dude could paint. Seriously, though. What a tragedy that he gets, like, no credit. Also, that bro Andy Warhol — what an amazing cubist. Those Brillo boxes. Perfect cubes!
RW: Wait. Pardon?
SP: [Incoherent rambling] … Hannah [Montana] and Travis Barker. You know what I mean?
RW: Right. I think …
SP: No? Let me explain. The things is Larry David, vintage glasses, Arrested Development, TLC Punk, Woody Allen, tight black jeans, Simple shoes, living in a D.U. annex, fleas, Holden Caulfield, trannies, chix with dix —
RW: — That reminds me. When I went back to visit my alma matter, Choate Rosemary Hall, where President John F. Kennedy also went, with my buddy John Mayer, he noticed that I have a gift for interviewing people. They actually gave me an award. So, how about that?
SP: That’s so awesome, dude! Wow! Congrats! Really, I mean, great! Seriously! That reminds me of when I won the world Kung Fu championships. I was pretty overwhelmed. But, I did get two gold stars from my teacher for being, “unique.” That’s when she taught me about air quotes.
RW: Well, you certainly are special.
SP: Really? I never thought of myself that way … But, yeah. I guess I am. You know what I mean?
RW: I’ve heard you’re a bad speller.
SP: No. Am I rillie? No, I truley never noticed. But, that explaines why I cohnstantely find myself in the Womens bathroom …
RW: Yeah, that was awkward.
SP: Just gross.
RW: More for me than you.
SP: Oh well.

Sammy Owen Perlmutter’s work can be seen in the Sun when he feels like it, mostly on Thursdays. If you can’t find his stories, look for those with the byline “Samie Pearlmitner” or “Cemmmy Pharlnutter,” because when the copy editors fall ill, all bet’s are off. You won’t find more of this interview at www.cornellsun.com, because we are both eventually going to want to be hired for non-manual labor jobs, and Google is not your friend.