This article appeared in the 2007 edition of the annual Halloween joke issue. The content below was intended for entertainment and parody purposes only and is not true. Happy Halloween!
Statler Hotel and 312 College Ave., meet your match: The Donald Trump Elite Tower Over the Gorge. The Tower will combine condos marketed towards Cornell students and luxury hotel rooms suitable for visitors to the Ithaca area.
“The Tower Over the Gorge is a boon for the further development and beautification of Collegetown,” said David Gelinas ’07 (D-4th Ward), one of the authors of the Collegetown Vision Statement. “Considering Trump’s worldwide fame, the City of Ithaca will lift the moratorium on new construction in Collegetown exclusively for the Tower by the Gorge.”
At a press conference Monday at the Trump Palace in Manhattan, Donald Trump, the chief executive officer of the Trump Organization, said that the Tower will span Cascadilla Gorge.
In an effort to fulfill Cornell’s commitment to diversity, the Tower’s architecture will be reminiscent of the Trump Taj Mahal in Las Vegas, which fuses Perisan, Turkish, Indian and Islamic architecture styles. At the press conference, Trump noted that such architecture choices work to symbolically fortify U.S. – Middle Eastern relations and may help to end the war in Iraq.
Trump’s presence will not be forgotten on the interior of the Tower. Cornell Art majors have been commissioned to paint portraits of Trump to adorn the condos and hotel rooms.
“I’m really excited to paint The Donald,” said Amy de Vega ’09. “I’ll use a feathering technique with a thin brush to perfectly represent his poofy comb-over.”
Speaking of Trump’s famous hair, OK! Magazine reported that Trump is shipping two truck-loads of Aqua Net to Ithaca for the project’s ribbon-cutting grand opening in Dec. 2009. Ithaca’s blustery winds stand no chance against high-powered hairspray.