I think I received a record number of submissions this week — good overhearing, guys! These are the ones that made the cut. Keep submitting to [email protected] every time you can’t believe your ears.
Female grad student: You think I can’t cook? I could crack eggs with one hand and undo your bra with the other.
Girl with Umbrella [surrounded by hundreds of umbrellas]: I feel like I should be waiting in line to be the nanny in Mary Poppins.
— On line for Colbert
Girl: It’s such a pretty day today!
Boy: Don’t get excited — this is what always happens. Life is just beautiful and then you get lice. Deal with it.
— Under the clock tower
Girl [in reference to the Sun]: Thursdays are the best because of Overheard.
— Physics Section
Sorority Girl: Whose name is “Sieve?”
— Hockey Game
Blonde #1: What would you do if you’re with a guy that gets another girl pregnant while you’re dating?
Blonde #2: I dunno what?
Blonde #1: Hook up with his best friend.
Engineering Professor: People have been complaining that the class is too hard. The department faculty have asked me to help you relieve your load.
Engineer: That’s what she said.
— Eng. Quad
Overachiever: It’s just not fair! My teacher NEVER gives us hard homework!
— Outside Gannett
Drunk Cowboy: Come on …
Drunk Cowgirl: If I don’t sleep with you, you’re going to be a lame ass cowboy on Halloween. If I DO sleep with you, you’re going to be a lame ass laid cowboy on Halloween.
Group of 4 Freshman Boys: Warm up the bus! Warm up the bus! Warm up the bus!
Freshman #1: What does that even mean?
Freshman #2: I’m not really sure, but it sounds cool.
— Hockey Game
Nerdy guy with friends: So basically, I can say that I hooked up with myself.
Girl: My brother has developed an alternate personality named Ricardo. Ricardo has skipped school for two days and stayed at home to eat cheese cake.
This one was submitted twice — good job!
[A Cornell hockey player slips on the ice]
Freshman boy: Hockey players must do that a lot because ice is slippery.
— Lynah Rink
Pompous Freshman Boy #1: So I hung out with “Cheetah Girl” the other day.
Pompous Freshman Boy #2: Yeah how did it go?
PFB#1: Well I bought her a latté so now she should give me her virginity … [pause] Would you rather ride a stampeding elephant or fight crime if you couldn’t get hurt.
PFB #2: Well if I was riding a stampeding elephant then I could chase someone down and I would still be fighting crime.
PFB#3: Can a stampeding elephant gallop?
PFB #1: No I think it’s just stampeding. Would you rather eat a giraffe or a wildebeest?
PFB #2: Well a wildebeest because it would taste like beef.
PFB #1: I’ve heard that giraffes taste like chicken.