November 15, 2007

All the Irrelevant Reasons Cornell Will Beat B.U.

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Unless you have been spending the last few weeks avoiding all media in order to avoid seeing those annoying ads for Bee Movie, you should know that the anticipated Cornell-Boston University men’s hockey game at Madison Square Garden is coming up next Saturday night. Not only is the game at the most famous arena in the world, but it also helps to renew the rivalry that ended when B.U. left the ECAC Hockey league in 1984. I would like to predict the outcome of the game, but as my friends can attest from my March Madness selections and the fact that I convinced myself that the Colts would beat the Patriots regardless of the spread, I don’t think I am qualified to predict anything for real. So instead of breaking down actual aspects of the game and doing “research” on the two teams, instead I will predict the winner of the game using criteria completely irrelevant to hockey.

Colder Weather – The average low in Ithaca in January is 12 degrees. The average low in January in Boston is 21 degrees. Sissies. Advantage: Cornell

Local Delicacies – Even though it’s not technically from Boston, B.U. still has New England Clam Chowder. Cornell has, um, That Burrito Place? Advantage: B.U.

Better Pita Pit – Cornell’s Pita Pit is absolutely delicious and I frequently get emails from detailing all the excellent deals they have there. I have done no research on this, but I’m sure that Boston University’s Pita Pit is filled with rats and their pitas taste like engine parts. Advantage: Cornell

Better Hockey Alumni – Cornell has Ken Dryden ’69 and Joe Nieuwendyk ’88. B.U. has Mike Eruzione, Chris Drury and Keith Tkachuk. I would never favor someone like Drury who plays for the New York Rangers. Advantage: Cornell

Better Non-Hockey Alumni – Let’s see, Cornell has Ruth Bader Ginsberg ’54, Keith Olbermann ’79, Bill Nye ’77, Janet Reno ’60, Joyce Brothers ’47, Thomas Pynchon ’59, Ann Coulter ’84, and Bill Maher ’78, among many others. B.U. has Geena Davis, Faye Dunaway, Olympia Dukakis and Craig Bierko. I’m sure that lineup would make a terrible Lifetime film. Advantage: Cornell

Best Movie or Television Show Filmed There – Boston has had classics like Mystic River, Good Will Hunting, and The Departed filmed there. Cornell once had an episode of CSI: New York filmed here. Woo-hoo. Advantage: B.U.

Better Name – Cornell is the Red, B.U. is the Terriers. As much as I like Cornell’s name, I have to give it to B.U. for using an animal that isn’t the Tigers or Wildcats. Advantage: B.U.

Arena – Lynah is great, but it sometimes feels like it is going to fall down. Agganis Arena, on the other hand, was built in 2005 and is state-of-the-art. Apparently, even though it is new, it has not lost any of the charm of B.U.’s old rink. Advantage: B.U.

Better Student Daily Newspaper – Is this even a question? I’d rather join the Donner Party than read the Boston University Daily Free Press. Advantage: Advantage: Cornell

Better Football Team – Cornell’s squad is currently 5-4. B.U. hasn’t even had a football team since 1997. Advantage: Cornell

Better Local Sports Channel – On Cornell’s local Time Warner Sports, you can watch SUNY Oswego play Cortland State in exciting Division III hockey action. On NESN, you can watch an actual major league baseball team. B.U.

Better “Other School”– Cornell has Ithaca College, which is consistently ranked in the top-10 for hottest girls. Boston University has Harvard, which is consistently ranked in the top-2 most pretentious. Advantage: Both

Least Annoying Local Commercial – At Cornell, students have to suffer from watching the Law Firm of Alexander and Catalano make a mockery of personal injury and the law. To make matters worse, their theme song never fails to get stuck in your head all day long. In Boston, as well as the entire New England area, people have to listen to Bob from Bob’s Discount Furniture, whose voice bears an uncanny resemblance to Gilbert Godfried. Advantage: Cornell

More Enjoyable Local Beer – Don’t get me wrong, Sam Adams is a world-class brewery. But it’s available everywhere. Cornell students can feel like beer snobs by drinking products from the Ithaca Beer Company, such as Ithaca Apricot Wheat and Cascazilla. Advantage: Cornell

State Bird – New York’s is the bluebird, which is incredibly classy. Massachusetts’s is the Chickadee. At least neither state is as bad as Minnesota, whose state bird is the common loon. Advantage: Cornell

Better Local Protest – In the famous “Redbud Woods” protest, eight Cornell students protested the construction a parking lot, causing a lot of sophomores and juniors to curse the lack of parking on West Campus and incoming freshmen to receive free bus passes. This was perhaps the most influential event in the history of parking lots. In the Boston Tea Party, a bunch of revolutionaries poured British Tea into the water, helping to cause the Revolutionary War. The Tea Party thus caused perhaps the most influential event in the history of democracy. Advantage: B.U.

Well, there you have it. Based on my completely irrelevant criteria to sports, I predict that Cornell will win, 10-7. Uh, if that doesn’t sound like a hockey score, let’s just pretend sophomore co-alternate captain Colin Greening scores three hat tricks, freshman Riley Nash adds another tally, and call it a day.