Keep sending them to firstname.lastname@example.org. Thursdays, right here in DAZE.
Freshman girl: You know, I could really go for a glass of apple cider right now. If only I wasn’t allergic to fruit.
Guy: How do you spell bureaucracy?
Girl: You have a spell checker right in front of you.
Guy: I’m that far off!?
— Uris computer lab
Stoner 1: Pot’s like, not bad for you. Like, how is it bad for you?
Stoner 2: It kills brain cells.
Stoner 1: Yeah, but, like I have an abundance of brain cells.
Stoner 2: So then you’ll just be average?
Stoner 1: Guess so. But I never liked being average.
Stoner 2: Tough luck.
—Bio 109 lecture.
[In reference to a beaver]
Asian Girl: I told it “Stay” and it listened to me!
Asian Guy: It’s probably never seen an Asian before.
—Thurston Ave Bridge
Boy: Well, what did you think about the test? I didn’t like the question about current.
Girl: I know! Current! Why would I care about current? As long as my hair dryer works in the morning I’m fine.
—After Physics Prelim
Man to Woman [looking at Mann Library]: Whoa! That must be a new building, I don’t remember that there before!
Guy on his cell phone: WHAT! You got shot in the foot!!??
Instructor: So think of triple bonded carbons as a pipe … and everything hanging off is just a little tassel. So then you take the pipe and ram it into the backside.
—Orgo Review Session
Guy 1: You didn’t know there was a church close to Collegetown Bagels?
Guy 2: No.
Guy 1: Yeah, that’s where all the girls are always coming from in Collegetown.
Guy 2: Oh, that’s why they sound like that — they’re not drunk, they’re speaking in tongues.
Bouncer: [looks at ID] what’s your zip code?
Drunk girl: Umm … is that the thing that comes before the telephone number?
Girl: That would be misplaced nationalism.
TA: … Can you explain that?
Girl: Umm, mis — placed … nationalism … ?
— Goldwin Smith
Girl: Everything happens, you just don’t release the little swimmers.
Boy: Oh … oceans without the fishes.
Not-So-Innocent Girl: I dunno. I definitely feel like I’d rather be superman’d than spiderman’d.
Girl #1: Have you ever been to Big E in Massachusetts?
Girl#2: Yeah, why?
Girl#1: I think we slept together there.
Random Girl: Like in the same bed?
Girls 1 and 2: Yeah!
Drunk guy: Is it okay if I get confused by guys with pony tails … Cuz I just got confused.
Misguided Female Engineer: I feel like life isn’t complete until you see your idol taken down by two midgets dressed as testicles.
Guy: Excuses are like assholes. We all have them, and they all stink.