Welcome back to the fourth semester of Overheard! Submit to firstname.lastname@example.org, and check it out every Thursday in DAZE.
Girl: You know you’ll never pay that credit card off right?
Boy: Yeah, but look at your life — you have sobriety, a boyfriend and two of your own dollars. I would take drunkenness, someone else’s money and random ugly girls ANY DAY.
—Outside of Statler High
Unassuming Fluid Mechanics Homework Group Girl: … So yeah, that kid I showed you the picture of before … I took it up the butt from him. Afterwards I was outside unpacking my car and I had to fart so bad. And basically, everything that went in, came out.
UFMHG Boy: Hah. Dude, I wonder what the Reynold’s number was on that shit.
—Hollister Student Lounge
Loud guy on cell phone: No wait, what about … what about, like, GIANT MOTH LAND?!
— Ho Plaza
Girl: You don’t know if you’re smarter than a pig. You can’t talk to pigs.
Girl: And she was like “Get out of the car, forget about Paris, the kittens, forget about that cactus.”
Outraged Boy: The cactus? I can’t believe she’d go there.
Drunk Preppy Guy [grabs girl’s face]: I just want to have sex with you right now.
Cornell Art student [shocked look].
Drunk Preppy Guy: Do I still have a shot at your alternative vibe?
—Via Cenci, Rome
Blonde: Sometimes I forget. I forget that he would kill kittens and bunnies if the blood wouldn’t stain his shoes.
Brunette: Wouldn’t blood wash off of most shoes?
Blonde: That’s the point! He would just buy new shoes; he wouldn’t even try to wash them!
Guy: Seriously, though. Some girls say that I’m the best.
Girl: Let me tell you something, honey. If a girl says those words, she’s lying. Nobody needs to say those words.
Guy: Oh, man. Shit. I gotta make a phone call.
Sorority Girl [on cell phone]: I hate Sundays! No one ever wants to drink! [pause] Mom, you can’t go to the bar at noon!
Asian Guy [to white chick]: I’m pretty fly for a white guy.
White curly-haired girl [to white guy]: I mean, you’re not like an exciting Ugandan person.
Girl: I hate Cornell! I’m sick of all these girls who are sixes walking around like they’re tens.