Send your submissions to firstname.lastname@example.org. Thursdays in DAZE.
Guy: Cornell should change its school colors to brown and gray, because that’s all I see right now…
Loud Guy: I have one class on Thursdays and no class on Fridays … I like my Fridays like I like my ladies … no class!
Girl Critiquing Resumes: I deactivated facebook this week — I don’t want employers seeing me dancing on tables at Johnny O’s.
Girl: Licking balls is the greatest breather break ever …
Cute Sorority Girl: I just spent $140 at Target, but put away this movie.
Hotelie Friend: Girl, what did you think the Target checkout person would think when you put down a box of condoms and that Barbie princess movie?
Cute Sorority Friend: But the Barbie movie was only $5!
Girl at Tatkon: Just an apple, please.
Staff: YES! Why can’t more people say “Just an apple please?” It’s not even healthy to drink coffee at 10 P.M. at night!
—Carol Tatkon Café
History Major [stares at vector calculus book for a few minutes]: Who is Victor Calgules?
Girl 1: Well that’s just not cool. It’s like when you think your AIDS is cured but then you find out it’s not.
Girl 2: Wait, can you cure AIDS?
Girl 1: I think so.
Girl [describing painting]: It looks like the men are coming together with their father.
TA: Sort of like a “We’re all in this together” kind of feeling.
Hotelie [whispers to her friend]:
OMG! It’s like High School Musical!
Girl 1: Today I saw this girl in Manndible with the hairiest ankles!
Girl 2: Ew …. Was she foreign?
Girl 3: Are you sure it wasn’t a man?
Girl 1: No, she was just a grad student.
Girls 2 and 3: Ooooh.
Guy on Pre-Frosh Tour [on cell phone]: What do you mean you hit a hearse? … In a funeral procession!?! … How could the sun be in your eyes, you were heading west in the morning.
Stoner #1: I really don’t wanna go to class right now.
Stoner #2: What, because you’re baked?
Stoner #1: No, because I’m not baked. I wasn’t baked last night either, so I couldn’t sleep and I woke up all sweaty.
Stoner #2: Yea! Do you wake up sweaty but it’s still cold?
Stoner #1: Yes! It’s the shittiest thing in the world! That did NOT happen at home.
Stoner #2: No definitely not.
Stoner #1: Man, I wish I was at home.
—On the bus
Sorority girl: Ew, Super Bowl commercials are so gross. Why would you date a potato?
—Watching the Super Bowl
Girl: Dude, I can’t believe that tomorrow is the 31st! This is like the longest month everrrr…