S ubmit to email@example.com. Thursdays in Daze.
Girl: … And that’s really why I’m looking forward to Spring Break. Fuck going to North Carolina, fuck seeing my friends … I just want to have sex.
Sorority Girl #1: Uh! I just spent all afternoon pipetting dangerous chemicals.
Sorority Girl #2: What kind of chemicals?
Sorority Girl #1 [very serious]: I dunno, like hydro-sulfur something. It was like water, but like BAD water. It was so dangerous!
— Arts Quad
Guy #1: I have to go to an atonal music concert for my class.
Guy #2: Oh I HATE atonal music! It always sounds like Michael J. Fox is trying to give a cat an enema.
— Mandible Café
Female Student : So the session started off with “Everyone close your eyes and picture your grandparents or other elderly people having sex” and we all went “eewww.”
Guy on Phone: … She’s literally crazy, I’ve seen all the pills she takes … Yea she’s dating other guys, but they’re not hooking up, I’m only the second guys she’s had sex with … No we’re going to get back together, I’ve seen the light, I WANT TO GET MARRIED, I WON’T EVER HAVE TO WORK AGAIN … wait, I take that back! I really do love her.
— Ag Quad
Girl: In books, is the opposite of an antagonist an agonist?
— Willard Straight Hall
Hipster #1: I can’t believe I haven’t gotten into Overheard yet.
Hipster #2: Well maybe no one has overheard you saying anything.
Hipster #1: What?!?! Every time I open my mouth I say something stupid!
— Cornell Plantations
Sorority Girl: I hate Dartmouth’s color. It’s, like, dark green, not, like, green.
— Cornell-Dartmouth BBall game
Guy: If I can get it up, tonight is going to be MONEY.
— Engineering Quad
Kid #1: Why don’t you just design golf courses if that makes you happy
Kid #2 [speaking loud enough for entire lab to hear]: I won’t make enough money doing that. I can’t do what makes me happy, my trust fund is not big enough.
— West Campus
Nasal Sorority Girl: Girls, I have an announcement to make [pause, clears throat] There are big ships and small ships, but the best ship of all is friendship…
Everyone Else: Awwwwwwwww …
Good Looking Boy: Ah Liz, Thank god you picked up. This is going to sound crazy but I need you to trust me on this one. I need you to go back to 1996 and find [dramatic pause] me.
— Stats Class
[A crowd of 3rd graders on a field trip passes by]
Dude #1: How did they get in??
Dude #2 [very seriously, shaking his head]: Early decision.
— In front of Space Sciences Building