March 27, 2008

A Day in the Life of a Sun All-Star, March Madness Style

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March Madness is a wonderful time of year for many reasons. When else can you root for a college student-athlete’s dreams to be shattered so you can win your $20 pool? For me, though, the best part of the college basketball postseason is all the different announcers that CBS trots out. With so many locations, especially in the first two rounds, fans are treated to a bevy of broadcasters, from the ebullient (Gus Johnson) to the obstinate (Billy Packer). After to listening to these announcers over the weekend, as well as for the past several years, their voices have entered my mind to the point where they announce my daily happenings. Here is a transcript of a recent Thursday, with commentary from CBS’s finest (for your information, some or all of the events depicted in this transcript are completely fictional):
Jim Nantz: Hello friends. It is 9:00 in the morning, and Michael Mix gets ready to go to class. He just showered and now puts on his socks one at a time. Interesting note Billy — he always puts on his right sock before his left sock. Like the Masters, it is a tradition unlike any other.
Billy Packer: I tell you Jim, this is clearly a poor choice of clothing. The weather is projected to be 35 degrees today, and he is wearing short sleeves. That is really bad judgment in my opinion. In fact, I haven’t been so sure of anything since I knew that Duke’s Gerald Henderson did not intentionally break North Carolina’s Tyler Hansbrough’s nose last season.
Gus Johnson: Now Mix walks to class … there is an open seat in the corner of the classroom … GOT IT!!! HA, HA HA!!! … The professor just asked a question, and HE’S RAISING HIS HAND!!! RISE AND FIRE!!! … He is answering the question … YEAH!!!
Jay Bilas: You know, I just locked myself in a dungeon for 50 straight hours so I could watch film of Mix answering questions in class. Even though I lost 15 pounds doing it, haven’t showered in days and look like Tom Hanks in Cast Away, I have learned that Mix usually likes go with his right hand when he raises it. Also, I have noticed a pattern of answering easier questions to boost his participation grade.
Dick Enberg: Mix is done with class and he eats lunch at the Hive Room. Actually, I’m being informed that it’s actually called the Ivy Room. He is now eating a turkey sandwich. Wait, it’s really a roast beef sandwich. And he is drinking a Zima. No, now my producers tell me it is bottled water. It sure looked like a Zima to me. I’m now being informed that he has never drunk a Zima in his life.
Nantz: Now Mix is back in his room and turns on his computer. With this break in the action, let me tell you that this Monday, on an all new Two and a Half Men, Jon Cryer and Charlie Sheen date the same woman, and hilarity ensues. CBS, America’s most watched network.
Packer: You know, I don’t understand these newfangled computers the kids have these days. It’s like how they pick the seeds for the NCAA Tournament. They just push a button on the computer, and a couple of minutes later, it spits out the bracket. That’s how so many undeserving mid-major teams make the tournament. I don’t have a computer myself so I don’t know how it works.
Bill Rafferty: Mix finishes up dinner now. He made fajitas, but he did not finish all of them, so he is taking them TO THE TIN!
Enberg: It’s 11:00 at night, and Mix and his friends head to a local establishment called Rudy’s. (Awkward pause). Actually, my producers tell me that it appears to be called Ruloff’s.
Rafferty: Mix and his friends order beers and are now spread out on the floor in the bar. They come out IN THE MAN-TO-MAN!
Nantz: Mix heads over to the jukebox and picks “Fear of the Dark” by Iron Maiden. Interesting choice, Billy.
Packer: Never heard of it. Couldn’t he put on some Dean Martin or something? Or at least “One Shining Moment?”
Bilas: I’ve watched so much tape of Mix that I’ve been slapped with a large number of pending lawsuits. But I learned from breaking down the film that “Fear of the Dark” is his go-to song.
Joe Buck: Iron Maiden? That is disgusting! I can’t believe we are showing this on our network!
Bilas: Wait Joe, you don’t work for CBS; you work for FOX. What are you doing here?
Buck: I am here because this ranks right up there with the Randy Moss mooning incident in my book of disgusting acts. And I like giving my opinion when no one wants to hear it.
Johnson: Clock is winding down on the end of the night … Mix, now angling for the corner of the bar … talks to a girl … AHH!!! REJECTED!!! COLLEGE!!! MARCH MADNESS!!! THIS IS WHAT IT’S ALL ABOUT!!!
Greg Gumbel: Welcome back to the CBS studio; I’m Greg Gumbel. I hope you’ve enjoyed this presentation of Michael Mix’s life, right here on CBS. Up next, on an all new Cold Case, television’s best detective has to solve a murder that happened in the mid-1990s, and all the music on the show will be from the band Verve Pipe. CBS, America’s most watched network.
Unnamed Announcer: This has been a presentation of Michael Mix’s life. Any rebroadcast, retransmission or other use of this broadcast without the expressed written consent of Mix himself is prohibited.