March 27, 2008

Overheard: My Battery’s Dying. I’m in Suriname. Give Gerard the Fucking Message!!!

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Submit to overheard@cornellsun.com. Thursdays in Daze.

Guy: The sex column is depressing. I’m not reading it until I get laid.
— RPCC

Girl: I refuse to go on Facebook.
Guy: Why?
Girl: It’s like crack … once you start you can’t stop!
— Trillium

Gangsta Prefrosh #1: Wait, so what’s Kosher?
Gangsta Prefrosh #2: Isn’t that, like, organic food or something? Right?
Gangsta Prefrosh #1: I think so.
— Appel Commons

Guy: It is such a sausage fest in here.
— Sibley Hall Men’s Bathroom
Boyfriend: (slaps girlfriend’s ass)
Girlfriend: Hey! That’s harassment! … Well, I guess it’s not harassment if I liked it
Boyfriend: Yea, then it’s just Assment
— Gun Hill Courtyard

Panic-Stricken Girl: There’s lead in my water! Asbestos in my Walls!!! … [brief, contemplative pause] Oh My God, I’ll DIE if I fail this exam.
— MVR Lounge

Nerd#1: My prayer was finally answered after 10 years of waiting!
Nerd#2: What prayer is that?
Nerd#1: I’m no longer deathly afraid of people!
— Engineering Quad

Stoner Guy #1: Hey, so you know in Lord of the Rings, how when Frodo puts on his ring, he can see everyone else wearing the rings?
Stoner Guy #2: Yeah?
Stoner Guy #1: I wish it were like that when you were high. Like, you could see everyone else who was high.
Stoner Guy #2: Dude.
— Outside Dickson

Drunk Girl: Oh my God, let’s take a picture with the urinal!
— Seal and Serpent

Enginerd Bro: My phallus brings all the girls to the yard. They’re like, “damn it’s totally hard. I could bang you, but I’d have to charge.”
— Engineering Quad

Guy on Cell Phone [on a bus, screwing with a friend]: Just tell Gerard I can’t call …Why? I’m trying to get to Brazil, but the plane got stuck in Suriname … I don’t know, some guys speak English, but it’s mostly in Dutch, and I only know Portuguese … I won’t make it back until Wednesday … I am in the U.S. Embassy, my mom’s here … just tell him I can’t call … My battery’s dying. I’m in Suriname. Give Gerard the fucking message!!!
Same Guy on Cell Phone [Later on …]: (leaving a message) I was joking! Don’t be a tard, I need those notes for the test!
— Cornell Swarthout Coach bus,
between Melville and Ithaca

Girl [to guy]: You would totally bone like half the UConn girls.
— Uris

Girl #1: Oh my God, guys. I just got the phone call … The condom broke.
Girl #2: Oh no, that’s the worst.
Girl #3: Yeah, I hate that call.
Girl #1: So, who wants to go to Gannett with me?
— Appel Commons

Idiotic Girl: So I went to this Hoe-Down party this weekend, and I looked so great in my short skirt, tank and heels. But when I got there, everyone was dressed like farmers. Needless to say, we totally booked it outta there.
— Ho Plaza

Group of obnoxious boys passing Drunk Girl throwing up: Just stick her head in the snow. That’ll wake her up.
Drunk Girl’s head emerges: Fuck you. [returns to puking]
— Noyes Community Center

Dude: She can’t say no if she’s dead.
— Arts Quad