Thanks everyone, for all the submissions this week and the past two years. It’s been fun!
Blonde: [sniffs] What is that?
Brunette: Are you kidding? You know that smell. I know that smell.
Blonde: [sniffs again] I can’t quite put my finger on it.
Brunette: Honey, it was all over you last night, and you know it. Ho Plaza always smells like cum in the springtime!
— Ho Plaza
Chick: Ugh! I hate Ho Plaza this time of year!
Chick: It makes me feel really bad…guilty.
Dude: Because it reminds you of how much you like the cock?
Chick: And I can’t escape it!
Sorority Girl: Jenna, this is my sister!
Jenna B: … Oh, your biological sister?! Hi!
— Outside Ruloff’s
Middle-Aged Guy: Hey, is that a Chinese place I smell? Is there a Chinese place around here?
Student: It’s Japanese.
Middle-Aged Guy: Applebees? That’s Applebees that we’re smelling?
Student: No, Japanese. [pointing] It’s right here.
Middle-Aged Guy [beckons family over]: Hey, c’mon guys, there’s a Chinese place over here! Is it all-you-can-eat? No, we must be too late for the buffet…
— Outside Kyushu
12-Year-Old Girl: Sometimes my orgasms feel like one-tenth of a sneeze.
12-Year-Old Friend: What does that mean?
— The Commons
Guy 1: You know one out of every four Cornell women get raped … You could be that one!
Guy 2: Yeah … thanks …
— Arts Quad
Boy 1: What do you do when you have a crush on someone who’s gay?
Boy 2: Yeah, I know. It’s not like you can wait for the gay to go away!
Girl 1: You don’t know what a hoodlum is?
Girl 2: I’m foreign.
— Ho Plaza
Cornellian: Why do we go to a liberal pagan school?!
— Libe Cafe
Guy: I would be Squirtle because I love it when my girlfriend squirtles for me.
— Duffield Hall
Remorseful Sunburned Kid: Oh man, I went outside yesterday for only an hour and I still got burned!
Pasty Lab Assistant: You should have listened to me. Never go outside.
— Baker Laboratory
Sorority Good Girl: Every time I kiss a boy, I get sick! … Maybe it’s God’s way of telling me to become a nun.
— Ho Plaza
[Two guys sitting at a crowded table sing to each other while composing a comic-opera. Two other guys walk past, leaving without food, having ditched the line]
Foodless Guy 1: We are never coming here again.
Foodless Guy 2: Yeah, we’re just not. . . artsy.
— Temple of Zeus
Distressed Student: But it’s not your internship, it’s my internship, Mom!…Mom, I lost so many socks!
— Low Rise 6
Random Hotelie: You know what 1.2 million dollars would mean to someone from Somalia? God, I want to be a pirate!
— Statler Library