How to Protect Your Food Against Mooches (E.G. Me)

These are the times that try men’s souls. Dow Jones dropped 777 points on Monday, Sarah Palin believes that people and dinosaurs once coexisted and Heather Locklear was arrested for DUI in Montecito, CA. I could totally understand why, in a world quickly spiraling out of control and barrelling toward some kind of absurdity, that you’d want to control and contain what’s yours. And what’s one of man’s greatest comforts in this topsy-turvy world of ours? Having food to call one’s own. And what’s one of the biggest disappointments of all? Having some schmuck jack said food without leaving a note.
Lemme say this first, though: I love free food. Yo, I’ve turned outright vulture-licous over it. Dirty secret: I was at the Apple Fest on Friday and took two free samples of kettle corn (korn?) from the dude who was selling it because he was just giving it away. Ditto to roasted nut lady, but by the time my crew and I rolled up, all of the nuts were taken, and only crumblies were left.
Damn.
Do I feel guilty for taking two samples of kettle corn, though? A little, maybe, if I sit and think about it for a while. Do I regret it? Sorry for my arrogance here, but I do not regret it at all. Not one bit.
I love free bites from food, like when someone gets something to eat and offers a baby bite. I particularly love when I go to a restaurant with friends and get to try what everyone else ordered, in addition to eating my own food. Even my roommate knows to save one of the crusts for me when she buys two slices from CTP. But I sort of digress.
Here’s the scandalous (but probably pretty obvious) secret that may alienate friends and future love interests: I will steal bites of your food from the fridge unless it is clearly marked with your initials. It’s a totally silly compulsion of mine that I’ve grappled with for some time now. This is how far gone I am: I don’t even try to rationalize it with Robin Hood-esque logic anymore. i.e. “I’m stealing from rich so-and-so (rich with food) to feed the poor (poor, poor me who forgot to go to Wegman’s again).” None of that bullskeet. There’s no logical reason for my stealing. I have no defense but I do have a product with which all of you can protect yourselves against people like me.
Lo! And behold! The anti-theft lunch bag! The creator, Sherwood Forlee, describes his product: “Anti-Theft Lunch Bags are regular sandwich bags that have green splotches printed on both sides. After your sandwich is placed inside, no one will want to touch it.” The trick is that once you place any normal-looking sandwich in the bag, the sandwich will instantaneously look attacked by green mold. The only trick is to remember that that’s not actually green mold on your PB & J come lunchtime.
Okay, the bag’s kind of ingenious, but also kind of frivolous when you realize it’s just a zip-loc with spray paint on it. And dear gosh, I hope the spray paint is only on the outside of the bag — I’m pretty sure paint chemicals and propellant are way more carcinogenic than green mold ever could be.
But during these economic trials [word up, Credit Crisis 2008!], I could understand if you’d want to protect your shit and eat what’s yours. I would suggest simply making your own anti-theft bags because you’re probably not going to want to pay the overhead costs for these suckers. Simple instructions, if you didn’t feel like divining them yourself: 1) buy any preferred size of zip-top lunch bag [I like zip-loc quart size, in case I make triple-decker sandwiches]; 2) buy puke-colored spray paint; 3) paint lil blobs of mold-looking-type things onto said bags. And that’s it! Go wild and rejoice! Rest in peace knowing that nobody (unless it’s someone who can tell it’s just a trompe l’oeil) will eat your foodstuffs.
So hey, this may not change the fact that I’ll still eat the last of your cereal (sorry, Gigi — I’ve got you on your next box of Cinnamon Life). Moreover, I’ll probably still eat your food even if you make these fake-mold bags because, come on, I’m hip to your ruse. After all, I’m the one telling you about this gear. Still, I really hope you won’t hold my food-stealing compulsion against me. But if you do (jerks), and this does narrow me in the dating and / or friendship market (lame), at least I’ll always have www.mailorderhusbands.net to bail me out — which is still more stable than Congress these days.
Check out: http://www.skforlee.com/independent_work/lunch_bag.html and, if you’re trollin’ the interweb for your future true love: www.mailorderhusbands.net.