For the past couple of columns I have maintained my trademark levels of honesty, telling you all how I continue to miss you like the desert misses the rain, and even sharing the occasional pangs of jealousy as I envision the rest of you bar-side and tabletop at Johnny O’s. Perhaps due in part to the distraction of Cornell nostalgia as I sit down to write each week, there has been a certain lack of spirit finger touch in this autumn’s set of columns.
Some might think it is the whole might-as-well-be-unpaid-internship / frightening real world preview / proximity to the suicide threats on Wall Street that has killed my spirit of bitchiness and scorn. However, I think it may be my lack of 1 a.m. College Ave. experiences and giggle–worthy morning after sightings that have made The Bias Cut columns of Fall 2008 not as enjoyable to write. I apologize for the lack of entertainment and offense this season.
What better way to kick off the return of article ’tude than to address some rumors?
Now I understand that some of you might be under the impression that my columns are not up to par for reasons other than those I just mentioned.
OMG: rumors about me?! What fun! One scenario I’ve heard is that I had previously been participating in some extra credit action with a grad student who wrote my columns for me, and that he is no longer fulfilling that service (hence the quality decline). Sorry Big J, rumors get around quick when you have friends / frenemies by the dozen, and FYI it usually ends up getting back to the party(ies) involved. So to clear up your little fairy tail, as I’m publicly admitting that I have failed to ever land a Cornell grad student and that all of the grammatical errors / typos are sadly mine. [Editor’s Note: Of which there are hopefully none.]
So back to the season of browns, greens and pumpkins. Let’s get on to the Holiday of Horrors — a holiday I only started to appreciate in my later years. Dressing-up as a kid was miserable — everyone was a ghost, Frankenstein, some Disney Princess or Michael from Halloween. The worst part was that everyone took it too seriously and fought over the calorie-infested treats that seemed to be so important. Even more devastating? No one ever let me have the Disney Princess costume. Side note: You don’t need high-in-fructose candies to have a wonderful Halloween. Try giving out removable tattoos, glow sticks, stickers (I had many on my 13th B-Berry), mini Halloween notebooks, black and orange friendship bracelets and, of course, sugar free gum.
Do you want to know why Halloween is better in college? Well, it’s pretty simple. Take Cady’s wisdom: “Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it,” and add frat houses and alcohol. The perfect recipe for ridiculousness! Now you may have seen me on campus with fishnets in a homemade kids pumpkin costume, or suffered the wrath of Nicole Bitchie two years ago when all it took was a smaller me, a Balenciaga and a pair of big sunglasses to act like the world’s biggest pain in the ass and introduce myself around campus as Nicole. (Don’t worry, I had my sidekick: Paris was with me in a pink Juicy tracksuit most of the night).
Since Halloween is when you are supposed to be creative, lets try and steer clear of the following: sexy nurse (save it for your boyfriend), Minnie Mouse, kegs, Playboy bunnies, etc. A good note to self is that it is usually best to put a costume together for yourself but if you must buy one, smaller is most often best.
And, like any good party, the more the merrier! The group theme in Halloween costumes is always a sure bet. At one of the sorority / fraternity mixers this Halloween I’d like the theme to be everything Juno. A bunch of June Bug-dressed sorority sisters and a frat as Paulie Bleeker’s track team would make me proud, and remember: the shorts only stay so yellow because his mom uses Tide. So if someone shows up and hits her head too hard the night before to remember what freaking day it is, stuff a sweatshirt for her, give her a big can of Tide and anoint her Mrs. Bleeker!
And with Nov. 4 around the corner, go ahead and disgrace some politicians this Oct. 31. And when your hangover subsides in early November, remember to vote! Oh, and someone make some good SaMAN and LiLo costumes. K? Thanks! Bye.
Martin Ambrose is a senior in the College of Hotel Administration. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. Catch his catty thoughts on your poor style choices on alternate Thursdays in Daze.