Last night, well into my fifth hour of scholastic procrastination, I came across a granny talking about “bum sex” on national television. This was a little shocking because she looked like someone who would be Sister Wendy’s co-host on that PBS series about paintings and American museums. Sex Talk With Sue Johanson is a phenomenon that I had never seen; however, a significant number of people in over 20 countries apparently know of her and her senior citizen passion for sex toys, her bluntness and her refusal to be shocked by the Midwestern idiots who call her show.
I support sex education in our school systems, and it is obvious from the responses of certain callers on Sue’s show why it is integral. After watching for five minutes, a young woman called to ask Sue if she could become pregnant from anal sex and — if she were to become a back-door-bandit — would she still be a virgin? Sue responded kindly and calmly, answering the question as if she had answered it a thousand times before, as I am sure she has.
From my initial impression, the show seemed pretty basic and, although it was novel to watch someone as elderly as my tea-sipping, English grandmother talking about subjects and positions that Nana has never even heard of, I was not fully engaged. I decided to give it a few more minutes, though, before turning my attention to undisputed quality programming — The Real Housewives of Atlanta.
The next caller did not disappoint, and her question certainly kicked it up a notch (Emeril Lagasse food pun intended). Caller Sarah said that she wanted to experiment with food in the bedroom and, before she could even ask her actual question, Sue lit up and began to chirp on about which fruits and vegetables are best for insertion: bananas (unpeeled), carrots (peeled), celery (“but not with any cheese — or anything like that — on it”) and zucchinis (but not too big). It was clear that this geriatric knew her way around the produce section.
Sarah thanked her for that advice, but then asked about the more pornographically ubiquitous chocolate sauce, and also peanut butter.
“You are saying that you are going to put those in your vagina?” asked Sue.
“I wouldn’t do that, it will throw off your vagina’s acidity and probably give you a yeast infection.”
“Oh, yeah, I do not want that.”
“And how would you even get those out of there?”
“Yeah, I wasn’t sure about that … especially if the peanut butter was chunky.”
“Right, and chunky wouldn’t feel to great on the penis either. Ok, thank you for your question, Sarah. And now we have a call from Anchorage, Alaska …”
From that point on, the tempo of the show was lively, and Sue would change up the pace with product reviews, viewer polls and interesting facts. She talked about the “beautiful, well balanced and classily packaged” Lelo Liv vibrator from Sweden. Her review: “This tester thoroughly enjoyed the toy and did not find it to be too narrow, as other users have mentioned.” She also said it was great for external stimulation on her “choda.”
Well, I suppose it is good to know the 78-year-old has not stretched out her vagina too much with items most commonly implemented in salads and stir-fry.
When returning from a commercial break, we learned that the Karma Sutra contains 64 different sexual positions, while the average American couple only uses two. The following caller, though, used more than two and had a few questions about her third. Crystal from Tennessee wanted to know if she could “catch the AIDS from doing the anal sex in the butt hole.” She was very specific about that placement, and Sue made sure Crystal understood that, in fact, anal sex only took place in the butt hole. Crystal was also informed that she should always be wearing a condom when having said sex with her former hard-drug-using fiancée, and that her preferred condom alternative of Saran Wrap was not an adequate protective barrier.
I do not want to rehash the whole episode, but know that the zingers about “natural and wonderful vaginal farts” to masturbation related blindness just kept coming.
To conclude: For highly educated, somewhat perverted college students, this show does not fail to deliver on genuine ignorance as well as simply uncomfortable sexual content that can be enjoyed for humor’s sake. It is certainly one of those shows that is more enjoyable when watched with other like-minded degenerates in the room — much akin to Saturday Night Live and Pirates XXX. And yes, you can also learn a thing or two about finding your man’s “A-Spot” too.
I highly recommend this program and suggest that, for a heightened experience, it be viewed while inebriated or high.
And I will leave you lustful college students with the same wisdom Sue imparted to her audience at the end of the show: “Here’s a handy tactic, always use a prophylactic!”