November 13, 2008

Two-ferrific: There's Nothing Better Than Two For the Price of One

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If there’s anything I like better than a one-fer, it’s a two-fer.
For you folks not hip to my slang (and there could be a great lot of you … I have been known to make up a word or two), a “two-fer” is a “two-for-one” deal; i.e. I pay for one awesome thing, and, due to the “magic” of Capitalism, I get two things at a roughly-equal-but-let’s-be-realistic-never-more-than-one-and-a-half-times-more-expensive-than-usual price (and let’s not think about who’s disadvantaged by this scheme for now). Well, in two-fer deals, it’s really just that I get one awesome thing and one extra, usually seriously shoddy thing.
But who cares!
If you either: a) know me, b) have read my column before, or c) have a creeping, prescient suspicion about “my kind,” then you probably know I absolutely love, love, love free crap. Let’s say that, perhaps, I were a cat; free stuff would be my catnip. Can’t get enough of it and can’t turn it down, actually. And not to mention that I go slightly berserk in its presence, too.
So, given my penchant for pulp, my legs go aquiver and my heart goes pitter-patter when I see some really great “BOGO” deals. For example, I was crawlin’ the web just the other day and I found a doozy of a deal. It was a respectably-sized townhouse packaged with — get this! — another slightly less respectably-sized townhouse!
FOR (NEARLY) “FREE!” You have got to be kidding me! It’s like this deal was delivered from two-fer heaven!
It’s really too bad I’m not on the market for a dwelling, otherwise I would have snapped this sucker right up and donated the extra one to … oh, I dunno, a tear-jerking American reality TV show that gives away tchotchkes to deserving families, or something. Though, if you’re on the market for an abode, it’s my humble opinion that you’d be plain bat-shoot silly to pass this one up.
Just think of the possibilities!
You could have one house for Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and save the other for Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Or vice versa. It doesn’t matter really, since they both look the same.
Or you could have one house for living, and convert the other to a life-size dollhouse. Frankly, I myself wouldn’t try that option because dolls have seriously freaked me out ever since I watched the entire Chucky collection on AMC in one sitting, but whatever floats your boat, y’naw mean?
Aside from buying a house and getting two, there are other smaller, yet equally great examples of these “buy one, get one free” deals. And most of them are pretty fricking weird (even weirder than the euphemism “fricking.”)
Take the Clean and Clear face wash packaged with free earbud earphones for example. Have you ever been washing your face when suddenly you think, “Gee, I’d really like to listen to my MP3 player through some cheap earbuds that won’t work in a week?’”
Well, I haven’t — but thank God Clean and Clear guessed someone to have that wish, since that’s their latest gimmick to retain old customers and curry new ones. Is the consumer originally drawn to the face wash, but sold by the free headphones? Or drawn to the headphones but sold by the face wash? Was it the chicken or the egg? Hmm …
Anyway, another example: what about the Clueless DVD packaged with a free Transformers beach ball? Have you ever been watching Clueless when you think, “Gee, this opening scene at the pool really makes me want to play some volleyball … but only with a Transformers beach ball?” Well, sorry, I haven’t again, but maybe this time I will, especially given that the ball has got such a prime Optimus Prime decal.
So, it being so kind of near to Thanksgiving, let’s reflect for a moment, shall we? Thank gosh for the Credit Crisis, am I right?? With American-brand Capitalism going to the dumper, these BOGO deals are going big and not going home. I think it’s time to raise our metaphorical glasses to the “two-fer.” May God Bless America, Obama, Michelle, Sasha, Malia, their not-yet-bought-nor-named pup and our slumping economy, which so heartily and bravely sustains this BOGO consumerism.

P.S.: The weather’s turning brisk and bracing, so there’s really no better season to cuddle up with someone, 4 real. A great date idea: score the Nivea Skin Cream / Bailey’s Irish Cream liquor combo pack (featured on gizmodo:, swill some spiked hot chocolate, slather some Nivea all over your honey’s wind-chapped skin and just hope to whatever you hope that you’ll get the chance to score. Score!