March 5, 2009

How Many Times Can We Use the Word 'Ponzi' in a Column?

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In case you’ve forgotten (which is absurd), the last time we spoke:
1. Snow fell on England.
2. Rachel was being tortured by her dentist.
3. The English turned out to be aliens!
4. A hobo named Jeff taught me all I needed to know about the world.
5. I discovered two previously unknown diseases.
Two of these things have since been proven to be lies. I think we all know which ones. These falsities are neither here nor there. What is here, however, is a recession! And this one’s for keeps.
We’ve all heard about how Hilary Clinton and Bin Laden have conspired to plan this economic crash so the American Obamorama will decide to off itself like a great pool of Ponzi-victims. Too bad for this pair of devils! Soon we will have evolved past the need for bodies and their silly magic money trickery will no longer have sway over humanity! Let me explain …
One of the most disastrous effects of this market face-plant is that print journalism is rapidly becoming super expensive. Let us survey the victims: The Rocky Mountain News of Denver: dead. There are layoffs at most major publishers. For Pete’s sake! Penthouse might be closing down. This is downright un-American! Where will people turn for their fix of moderately scandalous images of the female form!
R: What? The INTERNET you say! Why, that gets right to my point!
R: Which point?
R: About the evolution thing!
R: Of course. I see it immediately. Who’s Pete?
You heard it here first, ladies and gentlemen. It’s the interweb that will save us with a glorious newfangled invention: blogging! Yes, I know. Some of the in the know media types may have heard of it before, It’s when people who may or may not have been too smart or too stupid for the mainstream media go to the inter-highways to snack on “snark,” Ponzi schemes (awesome word!), and hookers. Now, with this whole economy ab-crunch thing going on, everyone’s hitting the blogs. You wouldn’t believe the people they’ve got out there pontificating from the virtual soapbox.
Here are a few of my favorites from this new groundbreaking crop of “journalists”
1. The Bag Lady Papers (
This is a blog written by Alexandra Penney. She is a new bag lady who gave all of her money to Madoff’s Ponzi scheme (gets more awesome every time!) when she was less old and more stupid. Now she is both old and broke. It’s a bummer! However, in my questionable view, she’s leading a charge of regular non-techy folks gravitating toward internet mediums. This woman is all kinds of ludicrous. She wrote sex books in order to raise her child, after refusing alimony. She’s a prim lady who calls people “motherfucker!” Her entries are literally littered with these sorts of gems. However, Penney writes honestly. She admits that she’s a silly stuck-up old bag who likes pretty things. Partly because of this, a strange sense of “we’re all in this together” came to me while reading her tales of woe. Also, she rocks the acronyms. Everyone loves a good acronym, let’s be real.
2. Meghan McCain (
Holy smokes is this one a winner. Ms. McCain created a blog to chronicle her journeys with her father/corpse. Whatever you may say about the McCains they have some balls. Sometimes these turn into exceptionally silly balls, as evidenced by Senior McCain’s daily Daily Show appearances (marginal returns people) and now his chère petite’s adventures on the internet. Not to be beaten by democracy, Meghan has continued to blog about her life/playlists. She also writes for the Daily Beast and has just won my heart with a piece entitled: “Looking for Mr. Far Right.” Its all about how she just keeps letting politics get in the way of finding true love. The best parts about this mostly mediocre writer are absurdist zingers like this: “So to all the fathers out there: If you want your daughters to be single in her 20s, I can say this — run for president.” She’s a trailblazer.
3. Beer and Sci-Fi (
This is a wonderful blog and that’s all there is to it. Its such a joyful coming together of what will be the most important elements after the apocalypse is complete: booze and dystopian reality manuals. This blog tells us about “Good Robots, Bad Robots and Innocent People,” as well as microbrews. Let’s get serious. It’s going to be a rough year, and really tells us how to deal with it. Sit back, relax, start dreaming of faraway lands and get smashed. Cheers! It’s definitely worth reading for the brew recommendations even if you haven’t quite accepted the alien invasion just yet. But, be warned! For it has accepted you.
Voila: the blogs I have been reading out in London-town.
R: You still haven’t made your evolutionary point
R: Oh right!
Back to the main point: All of humanity is becoming involved in the blogosphere. Twitter is fast becoming a main agent of this transformation. Anyone, anywhere, is twittering about his or her whereabouts. Ultimately, when all humans are blogging and print truly is dead, humans will eventually evolve into body-less web addresses. First the bloggers will start blogging about blogs. Then the blogs about blogs will twitter about other twitterers and these twitterers will fire back with existential treatises about blogospherism blogs. Then, when our consciousnesses become fully articulated in these virtual notebooks, our minds will leap out of our bodies. No longer will we need food, far-right boyfriends, money, bags or economies!
R. What’s that? Alexandra Penney’s blogging just got her a book deal? Like on paper?
Oh well … the revolution will have to wait for another day. You win this round, trees! Or maybe you don’t (sorry about the rainforest and all).