March 30, 2009

Doll Domination

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“I Hate this Part”
I’ve heard a lot of hootin’ and hollerin’ about students’ displeasure with the choice to have The Pussycat Dolls as our main act for Slope Day. To all you haters, I say: shut it. If there were a mandatory course for complaining and griping at Cornell, I am quite sure it would have a higher mean grade than any COMM course (that’s saying a lot). Slope Day acts cannot please everyone, which only gives the upset more incentive to get blackout drunk, have the time of their lives and then not remember it the next day — just like everyone else. Win–win.

“Loosen Up my Buttons”
If you reflect on our Slope Day performers of the past few years, I think you will realize that they are no better than the glorified tramps who will be gracing our hill in a few short weeks. Let’s recap:
2006, Ben Folds: A very unattractive, whiny white man with a piano singing downer music.
2007, T.I.: An angry black man who would rather yell at the audience and make fake gun noises than actually perform.
2008, Gym Class Heroes: A mix of dudes with drug problems who put on a fun show but brought shitty weather with them.
And now 2009, The Pussycat Dolls: Five tarted-up, scantily clad burlesque girls singing and shaking to their pop songs.
Given the past performers, choosing The PCD for Slope Day is appropriate, so chill out. The tradition of Slope Day is to have a university-sanctioned event at which students become unabashedly intoxicated. Slope Day is not, nor has it ever been, about the music. The venue simply provides a focal backdrop, delineates a central location to gather and become dehydrated at and provides yet another opportunity for uncoordinated white kids to dance.

“Jai Ho”
There is more to the girls of The PCD than tits and ass. From an ethnic and cultural perspective, the girls are a good choice for politically correct Cornell. Lead singer Nicole is of Hawaiian, Filipino and Russian descent. Melody is part Mexican and African-American. Jessica is a brunette, and Kimberly and Ashley are blondes. Yay, diversity! (Some claim that the ladies were selected as a result of affirmative action, although the university denies this. This hypothesis may explain why Justin Timberlake and John Mayer were passed over, though).
In addition, the Dolls collaborated with the musical director of the international film sensation Slumdog Millionaire to create the American version of its theme song “Jai Ho (You Are My Destiny).” In the video they all wore bindis on their foreheads; saris, though, were passed over for more revealing hooker clothes. Ethnic with an edge!

Let’ s stop the complaining and begin the embracing, because The Pussycat Dolls really do have something to offer for everyone.
For the straight dudes and ladies who love ladies: You get beautiful stripper-like performers whom you can ogle without guilt. They are not parading themselves because they have daddy issues or because they have two illegitimate children and herpes medication to pay for, but because they are pop stars. If you really do not like their music, feel free to bring headphones and just enjoy the view.
For the gays: Ya’ll know you will be in heaven. And the glimmer of hope that the Queen of the Universe, Miss Britney Spears (for whose tour The PCD currently open) might show up makes the selection even better. Be on the slope with Cheetos and frappes in hand just in case.
For the straight girls: You all get thinspiration and lowered self worth.
For trannies: You get everyday wear and make-up ideas.
For feminists (this category might overlap with the first): You get the bittersweet knowledge that Cornell is featuring its first female entertainment group while simultaneously knowing that they are the most physically objectified of any past performers.

“When I Grow Up”
Okay, all, it is time to put your big girl panties on; The Pussycat Dolls are performing at Slope Day and there is nothing that can be done to change it. For those of you senior enough to remember the red arches that littered campus our freshman year, Cornell is the place of “Open Doors, Open Hearts and Open Minds”— we should all espouse these values through welcoming our guests by getting thoroughly shitwrecked (without dying) and actin’ a fool for their performance. Slope Day comes but once a year, so enjoy it. If you really want something to complain about, there is always Asher Roth.