April 24, 2009

Things To Take From Dragonball: Evolution

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Things I learned from watching Dragonball: Evolution in the theater:
1. Super Mario Bros. inspired at least one director (James Wong) to attempt to make movies for a living.
2. Chow-Yun Fat (Bulletproof Monk, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End) is now tied with Nicholas Cage for number of movies made where he’s willing to do ANYTHING for a paycheck.
3. If you have one wish (to be granted by a flying talking dragon, no less), don’t bring back your beloved dead relative that raised you from childhood, but a perverted useless karate teacher played by Chow-Yun Fat doing a terrible impression of Jerry Lewis.
4. Emmy Rossum is really hot.
5. Emmy Rossum can’t pull off being a badass action hero any better than Kristin Kreuk.
6. Emmy Rossum (Phantom of the Opera, Mystic River, Poseidon) should execute her agent for involving her in this movie.
7. Producers still think that they can change the race of a main character and hope no one in the audience notices.
8. All high school house parties are based off of Mystikal’s “Shake Ya Ass” video.
9. If you’re training a pupil in martial arts, it’s okay to mispronounce everything. Chi becomes “key.” Kamehameha changes to sound like a Hawaiian remedy for whooping cough. And it’s perfectly okay to get your ass kicked until you’re an inch from death before pulling out this definitive finishing move.
10. If a girl likes you, she’ll say, “I want you to hit me.”
11. Chemistry isn’t required to fall in love with someone. You just need to be the same height as someone and disagree on everything except the willingness to use only one-syllable words for entire conversations.
12. To get with the girl of your dreams, you must light three torches at once with your mind.
13. Owning a gigantic and probably expensive dirigible palace isn’t enough to stop alien-like misfits from wanting to rule the world (also see the first Pokémon movie).
14. Movies can get away with having a character named Sifu Norris (Ernie Hudson, Ghostbusters). Unlike his Texas Ranger cousin, Sifu Norris does no roundhouse kicks.
15. Green makeup and prosthetics can make any villain (James Marsters, TV’s Buffy), regardless of gravitas or penchant for cruelty, look painfully silly. Name that villain Lord Piccolo, and it’s not even fair anymore.
16. Wire stunts are really lame. Really lame.
17. Slow motion should be banned unless you’re directing The Matrix.
18. It’s possible that on your journey to save the world, you might turn into a random dollar-store CGI ape-creature.
19. In the future, we’ll invent ways to fold mopeds down to PDA-size.
20. Don’t watch a childhood cartoon for several years and expect the live-action version to ever live up (read: Transformers).
21. Unlike Transformers, if someone tried watching Dragonball: Evolution without any prior knowledge of characters, premise, or the like, they’d probably bleed from both ears and the corners of the eyes for days afterward.
22. Just because Iron Man had a twist after the credits doesn’t mean every other movie should. Also, twists should try to make sense (don’t watch Hancock).
23. Bad movies are fun to watch with friends, only if half are die-hard fans of the cartoon and the other half completely wasted.