Why, Hello! It is that time again, the time when I, accompanied by my cat or stuffed tiger, Magnus, commune with the teenage vampires living inside the television box in an attempt to speak to and understand the “youth.”
It was sort of a mini-break episode, a chance for characters that don’t usually hang out together to be awkward and then friendly, and then maybe beat up someone or have sex. Today it was the beating, yeeeeeah boy.
Since I didn’t remember at all, here’s what happened last time. Elena and Stefan nearly killed us with whole minutes of their lovemaking. Damon was trying to break his crazy lady out of a spiritual big house and confronting Bonnie’s dead great-grandma witch’s spirit. Nothing went well for anybody. Elena realizes she looks JUST LIKE that old bag, Katherine. The ghost foiled Damon’s loser plan! Bonnie got bitten, and Elena rammed into some dead person on the road. Oh yeah, and nice Teach knows about the vampires and killed Jenna’s bf. Let’s get to it!
Elena is nearly attacked by the strange person in the road but is saved by … Damon! He’s kind of nice and there’s a little creepy face touching. Sweet. Then he says “upsidaisy.” Bahah alternatively talking like a 12 year old and then a grandma is funny. Does it make for good TV? I’ll let the 12-year-olds decide.
Nice Teach is having a bit of a flashback and a voiceover. Remember when he killed sad auntie’s boyfriend! (Julie: If you think Rabia doesn’t really understand punctuation …. You would be right.) “There is evil here,” He drones. Hmm evil with a folksy charm, son! Cue flashback to wife who’s probs dead. Then back to Damon and his silly-willy words. He’s kidnapped Elena and is taking her to Georgia. Somewhere a democrat is yelling: “Oh, snap!”
Oh, Snap indeed, sir.
Elena wakes up in the car with Damon and immediately begins freaking out and swooning. “We have to go back!” She says! “You were more fun when you were asleep,” he says. He’s right, she is! Stefan has been calling and calling, only to find Elena sans her herbal protection AND in the hands of his evil brother! MWAhahaha. Damon is seeking another witch lady to help him in his quest for the holy hag. Because, again, Damon is lonely loser, he wants Elena to tag along. Strangely, she agrees as long as he doesn’t Jedi mind trick her. She does need to the chill out. They have a lovely car chat about the mysterious stranger in the road. Sadly, all the vampires don’t hang out at a vampire “bar and grill.” Hot damn that would be fucking cool! … Oh wait, it’s called Fangtasia and they do all hang out in there! I bet Damon just isn’t cool enough to get in. He’d just sit outside, Duckie-like, engaging Pam in sad conversation about the girl who doesn’t love him … Boo hoo. Moving on!
Damon has taken little bitty baby to a bar! Oh the moral degradation of the youth. Sometimes they sneak into bars and drink cold, delicious booze. Yum. Booze. Sometimes they even go into bars with vampires! Yum, cold, delicious humans … just like mom used to bite.
Damon’s witchy friend was also his girlfriend, in what probably should have been the ’80s, but by her fucking annoying folksy woodstocky shit about being roped in and “enjoying” the ride, sounded more like the ’70s commune years. Anyway, it’s Gina Torres, remember when she ate people on Angel!? That was awesome. (Julie: Also when she would make out with Alan Tudyk on Firefly.) It was less awesome when she made out with Damon, akin to watching Tina Turner make out with Mad Max, just sort of wrong. But it doesn’t matter because she has some tricks up her sleeve for the old sport. I am assuming that Gina Torres is also Bonnie’s mother, because the alternative is that every witch on this show is black … is that racist? Not sure. Sadly for Damon, the magical bartender has no alternative to get into the tomb.
Stefan is looking for Bonnie. He also needs the help of a witch to find a lost lady. WOAH parallels. Mind. Blown. Unfortunately for him, Bonnie’s twitch powers are on the fritz. Something to do with getting bitten and possessed, I reckon. Bonnie is trying to get her mojo back and falling into pits in the forest. Apparently, she needs to face her fears. Meanwhile, Stefan looks up her grandmother. He lets her “see” him or something. (Insert Na’vi joke here, can’t do it.) Grandma’s impressed and sends neutered vamp after her Bonnie. He manages to save her and deliver her back into the arms of her Grandma. Holy smokes! Stefan met Grandma when she was a kiddie at a civil rights rally! They might be cool, but Grandma is most definitely going to protect her own before sticking her neck out for the vampires, even the sweet ones. It seems that we may be on the path for a major showdown between the normals and non-normals. Or, it’s crazy grandma talk.
Baby bro Gilbert is using his “brain” in the library to meet weird chics. Nice! She’s a believer in the vampires and probably is one. Or else, just a creep, whatever. She wants to help him out with his paper on his crazy or not so crazy grandpa’s Civil War era journals. Her grandpa told her some stories too. Woah baby bro knows about “allegorical expressions” and other shit. KNOWLEDGE BOMB! Their nerd love is adorable! They go on a cutey little date at the Bar and Grill! Oh smushes.
Damon and Elena are kind of having a little date also at the bar. They talk about eating habits and stuff, and Elena decides to get drunk. Fun! Because if you’re not gonna let vampire mind tricks take away your agency, why not get drunk like a regular teenager! Bree’s pouring them shots, shots, shots, shots—shots—shots. Unfortunately, it’s not to have fun, it’s so that Lexie’s exie can get ’em in the back alley. Oh, how the tables turn. Lexie’s bf is gonna torch Damon. But more interestingly, Lexie turned him. As he says: “You want to be with someone forever, you have to live forever.” Hmm … foreshadowing of Elena turning? Anyway, her kindly spirit gets to the poor man and he lets them go. Sadly for Bree the bartendress, Damon is then free to RIP out her heart, haha nice. The song however, “one heart to break,” then made the scene feel like it was beating me over the head.
D and E are back in the car on the way back to Mystic Falls, acting all chummy. “You’re not the worst company in the world, Elena.” He’s lying, she is! At any rate, they arrive back, safe and sound, minus one bartender. Elena finally puts on her grownup shoes to talk to her boyfriend. “What am I to you?” She asks. Stefan has a pretty sweet explanation. He saved her form the car crash that killed her parents. This isn’t crazy and coincidental! So his explanation for creepily stalking her, is to say that he’s been doing it for years, but he saved her life, so it’s cool. Unfortunately, he still doesn’t know why she looks like her, except that she was adopted. BOOM! (Julie: or, as you said, knowledge bomb.) So maybe Katherine did have a kid before she was turned. Anyway, Elena is satisfied that Stefan isn’t a mad creep (which I am not) and they snuggle a little bit, bleh.
However, she turns on Auntie Jenna! Why didn’t she tell her she was adopted? What a huge bitch, not trying to ruin the memory of growing up in a nice family!
We end with a bit more of Nice Teach’s dead lady. Turns out (shock) that she was killed by friendly neighborhood Damon! Oh the horror.
To continue my tradition of wondering what this show is all about.,I’m going to go with the descent into madness. Damon has always been crazy face. But now, Stefan and Elena are starting to think totally fucking weird things are totes normal. Grandma witchy seems to be succumbing to paranoia. And poor exie of Lexie demonstrated, every so cruelly, the madness that results from having your girlfriend turn you immortal and then snuff it. I mean, that’s a bummer. What wasn’t a bummer was watching Damon and Elena hang out. So fun! I very much like the idea of them hanging out, meanwhile he’s always sneaking off to the bathroom to rip out a bitch’s heart and smack around some kids. Because it’s going to be super when she finds out about those kids … super fun!
Till next week, I mean two days from now, because I am so behind on these things. (Julie: That you are.) PEACE OUT.
Original Author: Rabia Muqaddam