February 10, 2010

Pizza Crusts and Carrot Butts

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As Valentine’s Day approaches, it is important to remember that there are certain things to be appreciated in life. With all this love in the air, let’s take a moment to pause and cherish the beauty of…

1. CAMARADERIE

Bearded Scholar, to close friend: If I found your woman laying in my bed, I would claim her as my own.

— Thurston Avenue

2. BREAKFAST IN BED

Disbelieving Girl, to group: She found a pizza crust in her bed and she ate it! [Group Gasps]

Pizza Girl: No, no — I only ate part of it!

— Eddy St.

3. POSITIVE SELF-IMAGE

Dreamy Dame: My butt’s not made of spam. I know I have plenty of butt, but I would like to think it’s made of carrots and things.

— Cornell University

4. LEARNING FROM PAST MISTAKES

Former Fratstar: What cocktails and beers do you serve right now?

Waitress: We have mimosas ..

Former Fratstar: No mimosas for me!

Former Fratstar’s Wife: [rolls eyes]

— Carriage House, during brunch

5. CONTEMPLATING THE MEANING OF LIFE

Woman: And I realized God’s plan was to save the pangolins!

— Ho Plaza

6. MAKING DONATIONS TO A WORTHY CAUSE

Miscreant: Let’s just make up funny overheard quotes and send them in. Like this: “Wasn’t Obama a senator or something?”

— Cornell University

7. GOING TO A LIBERAL SCHOOL

Senior Dude: But I got into sex and I got into crazy — so I get to take crazy sex Tuesday Thursday!

— North Campus [on enrollment in Human Bonding and Adult Psychopathology]

Original Author: Jessica Stitt