ARIES (March 21 — April 19): You will be unable to resist the charms of a lovely lady and feel the need to buy her a large vanilla latté from CTB this weekend. (Lattés from Starbucks are also acceptable substitutes.)
TAURUS (April 20 — May 20): Remember that really hot guy from the party before Spring Break? He’s calling you this weekend, so be prepared to ditch your friends at a moment’s notice. It’s just a booty call, so don’t get your hopes up too much.
GEMINI (May 21 — June 20): You will find a $100 bill on the ground outside of Goldwin Smith. Make sure you go down to 139 W. State Street and buy everyone dinner.
CANCER (June 21 — July 22): A mysterious man will enter your life. Sadly, this mystery man is your new stalker so you’ll be heading down to the police station on Friday night to get that restraining order after an “unfortunate incident” occurs.
LEO (July 23 — Aug. 22): You’re quite the Chatty Cathy this weekend. Just remember that you have to pay by the hour for all of your newly acquainted friends that you met down at the Commons. And they don’t take IOU’s either.
VIRGO (Aug. 23 — Sept.22): The stars and planets are lined up so your sign is sucking all of the good luck out of all of the other signs. In layman’s terms: Best. Weekend. Ever.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 — Oct. 22): Someone’s getting knocked up this weekend! Does this call for a mazel tov? It’s a good thing that you already decided to name your children after the Three Stooges!
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 — Nov. 21): Remember that girl you hooked with last week? Call her — she has some intresting news.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 — Dec. 21): This weekend is a good time to catch up with your old friends — so on your way to the nursing home, make sure you pick up some prune juice. The elderly love their prune juice.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 — Jan. 19): Spring Break was not your friend. All of your real friends can tell that you got a fake tan while home. Make sure you wear long sleeves this week to cover it up until it disappears or Oompa Loompa orange comes back in style.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 — Feb. 18): Remember that paper you worked on before Spring Break, handed in early and worked for an entire month on? And it counts as 66 percent of your grade? You failed it.
PISCES (Feb. 19 — March 20): You will be unable to resist the charms of a lovely lady and feel the need to buy her a large vanilla latté from CTB this weekend. Lattés from Starbucks are also acceptable substitutes. RLD
April Fools!
Original Author: Allie Miller